At the end of her life, she definitely established the Golden Child versus his 2 younger Scapegoats. She succeeded in causing much feud between my 2 brothers. Over the years, she managed to raise my eldest brother to the pedestal of glory. Making him believe that he bears no responsibility as they live with him and he "took care" of them. Glorying his act of irresponsibility by giving the most ridiculous justification. I was slammed time and time again for asking why my eldest brother was not working. She said "if he works, who will take us to the doctor if we fall?", "Who will take the kids to school?" When he did work, he didn't work enough hours to make for the bare necessity and she was so offended when I asked why he did not get a 2nd job. She said "he's tired enough when he gets home." She was super protective of him. My mother led him to believe that he is so kind and good for putting a roof over their head when in reality, he hadn't been paying his mortgage for months or any bills, and my mother had to lie, beg, and steal to get money to pay the mortgage off. She led this the favored child believe that he is special for they have disowned us....not once, but time and time again. And when we have the nerve to mention his wrongdoings .... like f*&%$*^ a prostitute while his wife was pregnant, emptying dad's equity, stealing from his children, etc., she led him to believe that all is forgiven because only he is by their side "taking care of them." In reality, he bum off them with our hard earn money. But don't we dare mention that. She dismiss any money we gave while having the nerve to claim that we owe her money that she has front up for raising us.
My brothers never got along for as long as I can remember but towards the end of my parents lives, the two were exchanging nasty emails going back and forth while our mother cheered them on. Providing fuel to the fire. Giving reasons to point fingers at each other. Leading the two preacher's sons to use plenty of expletives in their exchanges. I took side, I admit but I managed to distant myself and did not actively participate in the nonsense. I didn't feed into the unfounded accusations displayed on social media by my brother. But that is not to say that it didn't anger me or hurt me. All these unnecessary discord, only so that she can feed her desire to have us in our place. How cruel of a person.
While I am untangling this within me, I see my oldest brother, who became The Golden Child completely engulfed by our Narcissistic Mother, and his life became emmeshed in hers. My oldest brother was one of the smartest and most talented person. As a puppet of a Narcissistic Mother for so long, he has been reduced to nothing. He has no identity to call his own. He is still seeking and searching to define himself as a person in his 50s. He holds a strong sense of entitlement. He expects others to pay for him. His wife is his bank. He has no boundaries. He does not know how to love or appreciate his children. He alienates them but gains comfort from those who can't judge him, like his puppies and children of others.
Being the scapegoat in contrary, is indeed a better place to be. Being one of the scapegoats allows me to break free from her control. It drove me to analyze her unfounded truth and create a healthier life.
I also want to have a healthier relationships with both my brothers now that she's gone. For years my 2nd brother and I were not in touch. Her act to alienate us was so successful that it took a good number of years for us to re-establish our sibling relationship. With my 2nd brother, it was not hard. We just needed time to get to know each other as adults and I like who he is today and who he has become. I look forward for his return and be in our lives more frequently.
One would think that I would disown my eldest brother after all the hurtful things he had said. But truth is, I was his baby sister and deep down inside, I know that I still am. He adored me for as long as I can remember. As a little girl, I remember sitting by the window sill waiting for him to come home because he'll be the one that brought me candy. I still have the pendant he bought for me years ago and the figuring he gave me on Valentine's Day when we were little kids. I hate what was done to him and what he is now doing to his children.
My oldest brother defriended and blocked me on facebook soon after my mum's passing. It's almost amusing because it was so childish. I spied on him via my friend's log in. It was stupid! But I did it. It was also distressing because he was the one link to my side of the family. I can't imagine having no contact ever again with my nieces and nephew. Or going back and not having a brother to welcome me. It caused more stressed than I had imagine. I spent countless sleepless night, thinking and plotting. In the end, all it needed was a phone call and that was what I did. He answered. We talked like siblings. I told him of my plan to bring my family to visit. He was thrilled. Before long, we were friends on facebook again.
We made the trip back this past summer. My brother could not wait to see us. Without my mother, the tension in the house was gone. We were able to visit. Say what we want to say without worries. My son was able to play with his cousins with much ease. We ate, we laugh. My husband and brother hung out together at the local coffee shop. My son got to meet his uncle and it soothe my soul to see my son in his arm. It was a trip that I didn't know what to expect but it turned out the way I had hoped for. So, it was good afterall.
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