Sunday, March 31, 2013

My Narcissistic Mother in Law (N-MIL) left my husband when he was five. A past that for years my husband thought nothing of it. His father on the other hand has never hide his hatred towards this woman. For years, she assumed it was because she left him but over the years, the truth is beginning to unravel itself.

She was rude and condescending towards me from the first moment we met. She went out of her way to try to break off our engagement and end the wedding. She made it known to me that I am not worthy. Not worthy of her son? or simply unworthy? The way she treated me was extremely upsetting for both of us. While her action didn't affect my husband's decision to marry me, it certainly crossed my mind to break the engagement and to get on with my life. My husband confided in his father and step mother. They pretty much told him that she was never there for him and what right does she have to interfere with his choice. They also comforted me and made me feel accepted. We went ahead with the wedding. She made claimed that his step mother dominated everything and refused to let her get involved. Since she griped about not having the opportunity to be involved, we assigned her the duty to make the favors. Which she did, The results were pathetic packets of mints. At the wedding, his father made it known to everyone that he couldn't stand her. At the time, it was very hard for me to be around her as well. His father and I quickly bonded as we happily avoided her in every possible way. She came to the wedding and left hurriedly. Giving us nothing more than a hundred bucks.

Over the years, his father and step mother, once in awhile gave me insights about my N-MIL. Secrets that they have withheld from my husband as he was growing up to protect him. Over the years, as my N-MIL makes claim to be the mother of the century, I have said a couple of things to make my husband question her reality. She blatantly would make it seems like she has integrity because she has never cheated. But in the same token, she proudly proclaimed her rendezvous with married men soon after she abandoned my husband. Putting things in perspective, I remember telling my husband to think what it must have been like for his grandparents and father when she slept around town. Forty plus years ago, words travel, and people lived with dignity, value, and pride. They endured her actions without a word of malice in front of my husband.

Yesterday in the midst of our conversation, I told him yet another secret. A secret long overdue that I felt he needed to hear. His father has told me this years before and this visit, he said it again. As we visited, he recalled the day she walked out like it was yesterday. He told her that if she leaves, she will never to return. She packed her bag to go and when he asked her about their son, she blatantly told him that "he is your responsibility." With that, she left him behind. I could see the raw emotion in my father in law's eyes as he talked about it. The sheer hatred towards her for disregarding their five year old. When I told my husband what his mother had said as she walked out on him, I could see the hurt in his eyes. What is more sad is that, it didn't surprise him. He is getting a glimpse of her true self simply by the way she treated our son. For once yesterday he said "then why did Ed said she was a good mother?" as he referred to his step father. I can't answer that question but I also know that for years, he wanted to believe that he has a good mother too.

As secrets are revealed, he is beginning to confront the truth. Now that she is ailing and trying to come back into our lives, I reminded him that it was her that abandoned him first. I reminded him that as she cried about the stolen ten thousand dollars worth of jewelry, she never put in a dime in child support to raise him. She took him here and there, only when it was convenient for her. She came like a stranger, taking him away as he cried in distress. She never did once care for him. For that, I have no sympathy for her. She made her own bed and she can jolly well lay on it.  I am quite alright letting her die alone. She can no longer come into my house and I no longer will be visiting her. When I expressed my intention to cut all ties with my N-MIL, his father and step mother didn't say anything to persuade or dissuade me.  Only thing mentioned was that they knew the truth will one day reveal itself. It must be a long awaiting battle for them. I know within them, they are pleased that we are beginning to see the truth. We laughed as I said that it only took me twelve years to figure things out.

I still leave my husband to make his own choice about this horrible woman whom he called mum. He needs to sort things out for himself. It has to be his choice to remain in contact or otherwise. While he is beginning to be swayed by my conviction, he is also burdened by his loyalty towards her. This is his battle. While I will stand by him in his choice, I will also be me. It has worked for us all these years and why would this phase be any different. 

Friday, March 29, 2013

Took my father and mother in law to the airport. My husband's dad and step mum. They spent a week with us and we had a blast. I was sad to see them go. What a difference compared to his crazy narcissistic mother's three day whirlwind visit with hidden agenda. It was nice that my son get to experience what's it's like to have an extended family. He bonded with them quickly and even told on me to his papa. The funny thing is, even the dog bonded with them. I must thank the heaven above for them. If it wasn't for them, even I wouldn't have known what's it's like to have parents and grandparents. For a brief moment, I get a glimpse of true love. Love that I was deprived of from my very own.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Before my crazy MIL arrived, my husband and I said "we can't tell her no" and now I say "why did we say we can't say no?" We have every right to say "no" and we should have said "no." Amazing how two grown adults who make daily life decisions find it so hard to confront a narcissistic mummy dearest.
My golden child brother has been posting pictures of my parents in their last days on his facebook page. Appears to me that he may be missing them. Rather an irony when he was cruel to them when they were alive. Denying my dad access to the television, which pretty much was his only source of entertainment. Doing absolutely nothing around the house and infuriating my mother. In fact, I feel that he placed the last straw that broke the camel's back when his action led to an argument with my mother, which led to her making the decision to stop taking her medication. Given that they never got along, one would assumed that he would be pleased that they are gone for good.

Since my parents passed away, I stopped all funds to his household. I'm sure he is feeling the pinch. His two older children simply despised him and he can't understand why. His wife is not going home any time soon. Not sure where my youngest niece stand in all of these but she is stuck for a few more years with him until she is old enough to move out. He recently lost his job and I have no idea what the heck he is doing nowadays and I really don't care.

I guess he is beginning to realize that only his mother would defend him. Although her actions serve to fulfill her agenda, it still made him feel "loved" in some twisted way. He is so crippled by his relationships with my parents that he probably will never understand why others don't defend his irresponsibility. He still has the same disregard and sense of entitlement. He blames others for his misfortune. As bright as he is, he can't get this part of him straight, something that is so obvious to others. While he may not be born a Narcissistic, he certainly acts like a narcissistic wannabe. As he navigates the rest of his life journey, I'm sure I'll see more posting of those type pictures of my parents. Maybe he is not missing them at all but rather a futile attempt to recreate attention for himself. Before my parents passed away, he posted their dying pictures and that certainly got a lot of reactions from his facebook "friends." He probably thrived on the attention. He also openly critized me and my second brother for not doing anything for my parents when he was the one who drained all funds. He made it seems that he was the caretaker. The one that stepped up to the plate while his younger siblings simply abandoned his parents. Many of his friends were sympathetic towards his plight and giving comments to console him in those "tough times." Asking him to be strong and patient. In return, he thanked them for their support. All superficial and truth is, I really don't think he has the capacity to be anything but superficial. This time, his posting didn't get much reactions at all. A handful of "like" and one or two comments asking where the pictures were taken. Maybe because others are starting to catch on to his characters or maybe, they too think it's odd and morbid to post such pictures. One will never really know the purpose of posting those pictures. Personally, it just gives me an image of someone that I am suppose to know. I certainly have nothing to add to his posting.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Earlier today I could have sworn that this entry will be all positive. All about my growth and how I have moved forward because lately I noticed that I no longer have the jab of pain like I did before when people talk about their children. I am starting to be able to join in the celebration. Songs that used to bring much pain is starting to hold other meanings. A much more positive ones. It is nice to be at this state.

However, I also just realized that all it takes is a small trigger to take me back to my rage. Dr. Phil always said, it takes one insult to take a person down and a thousand praise to bring the person back. The trigger today was merely a phone call. An untimely call my husband made to his mother. I just can't stand it. I am in complete state of anger. My intellect cannot comprehend my emotional reaction. My intellect tells me that the reaction is far too extreme for such a small misjudgement. But my emotions tells me the opposite. Who is right?

I just can't stand that woman. I have not recovered from the wounds of her visit. I don't want any reminders of her. I just despise her. I hate her too.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

It's been a few months since I started this blog. I have definitely benefited from having this forum to be completely honest. It gives me a safe place to analyze my feelings, my past, and to try to make sense of it all. I think I've moved forward with my recovery.

To be a continuous part of the online support group, all members have to be involved in active counseling, which I am not. But truth is, I went for counseling soon after my mother passed, mainly to deal with my lack of sadness to say the least. After walking through with me my thought process as well as my state of mind, she asked why I was even there. Having been in a field related to mental health, I am quite in tune with my own recovery in many level. By the time my mother passed and by the time I went for counseling, I  have actually already worked through a lot of my feelings prior and have already been in a state of acceptance of the reality of a mother that never was. I went for a few more sessions. They were helpful. She asked tough questions and by the end of about 2 months, she didn't feel that I needed anymore sessions and I agreed.

The person who runs the online support group feels rather strongly that all person raised by a Narcissistic Mother suffers from complex post traumatic disorder (C-PTSD), which I don't believe that I do.Then I go back to questioning why I don't have the symptoms. Perhaps it is because I was not the scapegoat growing up and I left home and lived far away by the time I was 19, and that kept her access to me to the minimum. Our distance, saved me. She didn't have the resources to chase me down. Perhaps that's why I was spared from the anxiety, fear, nightmares, depression etc.

While I claim that I no longer have the intense level of rage and hatred towards my own mother anymore, my MIL visit a few weeks ago brought upon a lot of rage within me. Then again, it was a different sort of rage. Having this blog I believe made me aware of my own fear as well. My fear to confront my MIL in the past. This time, I feel ready to set boundaries and look fear in the eye. I do say a lot but I usually don't act upon it. This time, I am challenging myself to act upon my believes. So, only time will tell if this rage will come to past. If I will have the courage to put my foot down and prevent toxic from entering my life. Only time will tell.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Advice given to me is while referring to my intention to cut my MIL off is "it is not good to be resentful." I personally don't think I'm resentful. I am certainly angry. Very angry. Enough is enough and I no longer feel obligated to tolerate her bullshit. I don't need her. I can do without her in my life. Putting aside the need to protect my son from her, I really am standing up and advocating for myself. I have always been this agreeable daughter in law. I have always put my true feelings aside to please her. To make it easier for my husband. To make it easier for me too. To go along.

Is it really about resentment? Question is - why is it okay for her to treat me with such disregard all these years? I am not being mean to her. I am merely preventing her from being mean to me. What is so wrong with that? Even with this visit, I went out of the way to make her visit comfortable. I made tentative plans. I put my beloved son on an air mattress so that she can have the bed. I ensure that she was comfortable. Last I remember of our visit, she knowingly got rid of the only guest bed in her trailer weeks before we arrived, simply to clear room for a home office, which was a table pushed against the wall. She had no problem putting us all 3 on a 30+ year old sofa bed. She even mockingly asked about the "iron maiden." So, why don't I have the rights to be down right infuriated? She came into my home and has the audacity to mock me, to disrespect me while I stuck to my integrity and took care of her.

I am done with going with the flow. If it means creating turmoil, I am ready for it. Bring it on. She started it. Not me. It is nothing about resentment. It is about making tough choices and sticking with it.

"Narcissistic mothers are envious of their daughter"

 I thought she was proud of me until..... I don't know. She knew I was bright but she had such little expectation for me. She wanted to marry me off young and her vision for me was to be trapped like her. Live life at the mercy of others. Her vision of me was to stay home and teach piano to supplement the family's income. She never envisioned college for me but college was all I ever dream of, especially after high school. It consumed me for the better part of my young adult life. I spent hours praying and crying to God for the opportunity to go to college. I wish upon that wish on every wishing well. I rub the belly of every saint hoping for that wish to come true. I went on my knees alone by the hotel bed in foreign countries, begging for a chance to go to school. And then, it happened. She still seemed proud. She didn't shed a tear when I left. I remember telling someone then that "I felt safe knowing that my parents always say a prayer for me everyday." Did they? I'm not so sure now.

I think she began to get envious when she saw other children who graduated from college"providing" for their parents. What she failed to see or admit is that, they went to college with their parents' money. They had a head start and I didn't. I went on my own money. I went through sacrifices upon sacrifices to realize my dream. I had one shot to make it and I did it. She seemed to think that once I graduated, that her struggles would be over. That she can have whatever heck she wants. There is no way we can ever measure up to that expectation. We just didn't have enough for them and that was wrong in her eyes.  While she had such little expectation for my well being, she certainly expected a lot of me to provide for her. Even though she might not have been envious of me for my ability, she was envious of the perception that others seem to have it all. Though the envy may not be targeted directly at me, it still affected me. For in her eyes, I have failed.
The online support group certainly gives me a reality check. Many members endured much more severe form of neglect and abuse. It's easy for me to compare and begin to wonder if I was right with my conclusion that my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder at all. But having this blog certainly captured many of the raw emotions at the time and she certainly fits the criteria.  Every time when I begin to doubt, I simply have to go back to that time when she rolled her eyes at me after not having seen me in 3 years. That confirmed how hateful she can be.

The support group also gives me insight on the adjustments of some members. Many seems to struggle with their own identity. Their posting carries a tone of hatefulness towards the world. Suspicions that others are out to get them. That also made me think if I have a good grasp of who I am? I would like to think that I do. I would like to think that I have accepted that I am a daughter of a narcissistic and not question why. I would like to think that I am moving on.

Someone mentioned on the support group that she finally felt safe to rage after her Narcissistic Mother passed away. I must admit that my rage also began after my mother passed away. But it wasn't because I finally felt safe but I was just so mad that I didn't tell her off.  When she was alive, I was made to feel that I may never forgive myself if I ever offended her and quite the contrary, I felt angry that I never had the chance to put her in her place. Now I no longer have the same level of rage but I still have hatred towards her. Members of the group also struggle with the fear of guilt if they set boundaries or cut ties with their NM. I don't know if I'll advice them to tell their mothers off but I simply state that I have no guilt on my part. Maybe it's because I was never mean to my mother even when she was mean to me. I will never know how I would have felt if I really did tell her off like it is. But at this point, it really doesn't matter one way or the other. I just take pride of how I handled things. I stayed true to myself and didn't compromise my integrity just to be right. With that, I am at peace with myself.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Just joined an online support group for daughters of narcissistic mothers. I posted a few things online. Gotten a few responses and been directed to a few articles. The group definitely advocates for complete no contact with a narcissistic parent and I have to agree. I think I do feel rather strongly about this. But I have to figure out the nitty-gritty details on how to go about informing her - MIL. I know that once I have informed her, I am well and capable of sticking to my guns. My husband and I discussed the possible reactions. One of which is to exclude us from her will. I guess I should really say goodbye to her decrepit trailer.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

I spent the good part of yesterday raging and the more I rage, the more stuff came up to the surface. I was fuming on how she tried to undermine my son by withholding his gift only to toss it to the side instead of giving it to him in person. Looking back, she has been awful towards my son since the very beginning. Knowing that we were trying to get pregnant, she literally harassed us for pictures of our friend's daughter when she was born, but when my son was born, she didn't ask for his pictures until it got awkward for having nothing to show her friends. After he was born, she was too busy ranting and raving about a set of twins from a distant cousin whom she had only met once. That was all she talked about. Yes, she did crochet a blanket for my son, she gave that set of twins far more stuff and attention. The first time she met my son was nothing but a hurried visit for barely an hour or two. She didn't see my son for another year and the second visit, she was annoyed with him for touching her cheap Christmas decoration. She looked at him with such disdain and said that he had bad manners. This visit she had barely a few hours in total with my son and she had concluded that he was acting up. In response to that comment I said "acting up? he doesn't act up." And one night after my son left the table after he had finished his dinner she said "I can't understand how people can have more children" while making implication that my son was difficult when my son was being nothing but an angel at the dinner table. For my son's first & second birthdays, she bought him saving bonds that he has no access to until he is 20. She stiff him for his third birthday. Can't wait to see what he'll get, if anything for his fourth birthday.

Her undermining towards me, while not a blatant as previous times, happened nonetheless. As she left for the airport, she lovingly told me that she left me all the shampoo and conditioner samples for me to use. Come to find out, they were the ones she took from the hotel. She did the same thing to my husband. His gift was 2 packets of stolen coffee sachet from the hotel. In previous years, she has given me her old watch, old jump-suit from the 1960s, and the best of all, a box of old t-shirts. She expects gratitude from me and when I was not appreciative, she said that I was being stubborn. For years I just brushed it off but became more and more insulted as the years went by.

She also basked in the misery of others and when that cannot be accomplished, she becomes jealous. She constantly asked about my father in law and his wife, as well as every members of their family, hoping to latch on something bad. In the past, she would be amused about my brother in law for not remarrying because in her own words "he is not the easiest person to live with." He has since remarry and she can't say that anymore. Not only that, she was "surprise" by the lavish wedding. She also used to imply that our nephew was "just like his father" but she can't say that lately because he is a productive and responsible manager of an auto mechanic store. This visit, she tried to help fix a statue that I broke. She had a smile on her face while she mockingly said she hate seeing the tiger statue without it's tail. Without missing a beat, I told her "it matched the dog's tail." She persisted and wouldn't quit and wanted to spend a good part of the following day buying the "shoe glue" to fix it for us. We finally ignored her and fearing that she would still try to "fix" it, I hid the broken piece.

When she walked out on my husband when he was only five years old, she thought that she could do better. According to my father in law, her departure caused my husband months of nightmare. He woke up middle of the night screaming and crying at the door, asking for his mother. He spent countless hours comforting his son and for that, he had never forgiven her. To this day, my father in law despise her, not for what she did to him but for what she put my husband through. My husband had no recollection of any of it. It must have been suppressed so deep in his psyche cos' it must have hurt so bad.

Knowing what this woman is capable off, it would be extremely irresponsible of me to even let her have another minute with my son. She would tear him apart. She has no qualms about hurting her own son, let alone a grandson she didn't care for. I am so angry at her.

She doesn't ever ask or discuss things. She demands. This visit, she made no effort to find out the most convenient time for us and gave us barely a few weeks notice for her visit. Knowing that we both work, she deliberately planned her visit on week days expecting us all to take time off to serve her whims and fancies. When that didn't happen, she make comments that she wished that she had more time with me and the baby. She ambushed me when I was on the computer saying "I hate to interrupt you but I did call about the condo that I was interested in but it was too expensive." In one breathe, she then gave me her specification of what she wanted and she wanted us to do the work for her. Best of all, she suddenly burst in tears saying that she wanted to move close to us because "she feels like she is missing out on our son." What a bunch of crock!!!

This visit, she took 2 random pictures of my son when he was on the computer out of complete obligation. She didn't take any of mine and I didn't take any of hers. Feelings are mutual. What she hadn't realize is that, she has no control of me. I am tougher than she thinks. I have more control and more capable in making her life a living hell. She hadn't realize that I am a child of a narcissistic and I have played this game. I know the final outcome and I have dealt with it with my own mother. I have far less loyalty towards her. I have youth, I have more resources, I have more education, I have more understanding. She can rage all she wants. She can cry all she wants. It is all a game. A game that will end real soon.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

The rage within me surface like an erupting volcano. No mercy and no remorse. I have decided I have to peel the blinder off my eyes. No more excuses to justify any of her actions. I have to come to grip and face the reality that the illusion of a love of a grandmother is non existence with her. I have to cut her off from my son completely. What she attempted to do to my son is completely unforgivable. It's like someone stabbing him and then twisting the knife into his heart just so that he could suffer. Allowing her any more access to my son is like a mother living with an abusive man, and allowing abuse to go on for fear of hurting the abuser. That is how strongly I feel about her behavior. Old or young. Wrong is wrong.

Friday, March 1, 2013

............ part 2
I am still amazed by her level of disregard, although not one bit surprised. I have to say that I am handling it in the most appropriate way when dealing with a narcissistic. I make no extra effort for her and neither do I go out of the way to make her visit a living hell. She continues to treat my son like he never existed. When my 3 year old handed her a block for her to stack, she merely did her obligation and walked out the room. When we were playing outside, she was there and she told the dog that he was her baby and then catching herself,  she quickly included my son to finish the sentence. By being nonchalant and non engaging, it must drive her nuts. She definitely puts in more effort to please me. To the extent of tasting the cookies that I baked. I didn't ask if she liked them and I didn't care. I said very little, giving her just about nothing to work with. Her one effort to engage me fell in the tank. She made a mockery of a person on TV because he wore a turban. Calling him Osama Bin Laden and kept going on and on that she can't stand him. I didn't let the comments bother me and I completely ignored her. She finally called on me to ask what I thought of "that guy." I told her, there is nothing to think about. I simply said that he is Sikh and they wear turbans, and where I come from, that is one of the major religion. Immediately she turned the conversation about my country and then concluded that she asked about it because she just wanted to learn more. She turned the entire conversation around so seamlessly, it is an art form! I have been married to my husband almost 12 years and she is suddenly interested in my country? Oh please!

Last night, my husband was so stressed by her BS and I suggested that today he should take a different approach and not even try to plan for anything. He did just that and what a difference. He went about his day like she never existed. When she woke up, he took her to the mall, dropped her off at the spa and that was that. He didn't pace around trying to make the most of her visit while she turns around and spit fire at his time and effort. Tomorrow, the last day of the visit will be the same. I reminded him to go about his day again like she never existed. If she makes last minute demands, tell her no and for me, my tentative plan to go out for dinner tomorrow for the last day of her visit is completely out the door. I may just get pizza and be done with and then get rid of her.

For the longest time, my husband and I had discussed the possibility of having her move closer to us. Recently we just realized what a bad idea that would be. This visit, she placed hints that she wants to move by us and we simply did not entertain her at all. With me, she finally outright said it. I hear it but it made no difference with me one way or the other. We also have decided that if that is what she wants, we will have no part in the planning and supporting. She is on her own and I won't feel bad for anything at all. In me, I hope and pray that she won't be able to get it together to move here. I have dealt with one my entire life and I'm not dealing with this one.