Friday, November 29, 2013

It's easy to overlook simple things in life and be grateful. For someone who at one time had lost all the basic moments, I would think that I will forever be grateful for the laughter, the daily mundane things, the quiet dinner, family time, dog barking, cat meowing, and all other things that all who has them take for granted. I am amazed at how quickly those times are now in such distant memory, to a point where it is almost forgotten. I took a moment this Thanksgiving to reflect and be grateful for my answered prayers. Prayers uttered so long ago when all else had gone wrong. Prayers uttered each time a quiet dinner was interrupted by yet another paranoid schizophrenia episode with him hyperventilating and being suspicious of random strangers in the restaurant. Prayers uttered each time a quiet evening was interrupted by his suspicion of the neighbor in another building trying to cast a spell on him by smoking. Prayers uttered each time a quiet ride home became an attempt to escape from the spy who is riding in the car next to us. Prayers uttered each time a vacation was ruin yet again. No arguments or reasoning can bring normal back.  So I prayed and I prayed. My one wish at the time was to have simple things in life back again. One would think that I will never forget and yet, I catch myself being ungrateful and irritated by stupid things. Perhaps it is human nature.

When I do take a moment to reflect, I am very grateful for this day. I do continue to say my quiet prayers. Prayers quite different from ones before. These days, I pray that God will protect me and my love ones. That God will keep us safe and most of all, I pray that God do not take away my simple things in life.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

My mother in law walked out of my husband when he was five. My son is now four and a half. He is being a typical four year old and at times, he can be challenging. He is starting to push boundaries and having a mind of his own. Looking at my son, I see my husband at that age. How could his mother do that to him? To abandon that innocent little boy with little regards and having had nerve to say to my father in law as she walked out the door that "he is now your responsibility." A phrase my father in law will never forget and a phrase that made him despise her to this day.

I was watching 20/20 a few weeks ago about a story of a little boy who was abandoned at the tender age of one. He was quickly placed in a loving home. Now as a forty year old, videos of his childhood brings such sadness, because he cannot imagine who would abandon that beautiful and innocent little boy. 

As my son near the age his father was abandoned by his own mother, I can't help but envision that innocent little boy who was about to lose his mother. He loved her. He trusted her. He cried for her when she left. He had nightmares. He banged the door in the middle of the night looking for his mother. He asked where was mummy. He asked why she left. He asked when is she coming back. He cried for a long time. My husband has no recollections of those days but my father in law remembers those days as vividly today like it was yesterday.

I can only imagine how devastating it was for that little boy when he realized that she was gone for good. I am my son's world. I am the person he runs to when he is hurt. He looks for me the moment he opens his eyes. He will ask for me if I am not where I am suppose to me. His world will come crashing down if one day I am not there for him.

Perhaps it is good that my husband has no memories of those days. But without those memories, he does not see the gravity of her action. He still has a hard time cutting ties with her. Although, he is now beginning to acknowledge some of her wrongdoing against our son and even on occasions, beginning to call out of some of the things that she did not do with him or for him as a mother. Most recently when we were doing a bunch of home improvements kids workshops, he said, "my mother never brought me places to do kids stuff. She brought me to the bar." The filter of wanting a good mother is starting to peel off.  Like me, he might never cut off ties completely with her. I never did with my mother. So, it will be unreasonable for me to insist that he does. He will do what is best for him but I am please that he is beginning to see his mother as a selfish b^*&^.