Saturday, June 15, 2013

My father passed away a year ago right on Father's Day. I had actually forgotten about it. Intellectually, how can one even forget a day like that but psychologically, it made perfect sense. When he died, it was the accusations that my relatives that infuriated me more than anything. I didn't really miss him. He had not been there much at all. He merely existed.

I did have one fond memory of my father. A blur memory of us playing peek-a-boo on the bed. I must have been between 2-3 years old and I was laughing so hard. For that one moment, I was daddy's little girl. I have no other fond memory of him. As he aged, he became my mother's transcript. Putting all her wrath on letters to mock us. Over time, he simply existed. He was like an empty shell with no soul.

Father's day was non existent when I was growing up to say the least. The level of my mother's hatred towards my father, there was no way she would have bothered to spend a day celebrating him as a dad. Over the years, I did send him a handful of father's day cards. The last one I sent him was right after he had a stroke over 10 years ago. I was told that he stared at the card everyday for a long long time. It appeared to touch his heart. For that brief moment, there was a person in that empty shell.

As the day approaches, I will be celebrating this day with my husband whom 3 years ago, finally became a father. He deserves every bit of hype and adoration for all that he has done. His heart is in the right place and he would give anything for our son. That will be our father's day tomorrow and I am looking forward to it.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

I am a fan of the Long Island medium and I always wonder who would step forward for me. Just this weekend I sat under the custard apple tree playing with my son. The tree gives a very strong connection to my father. He had always lavished me with my favorite fruit and I can't help but feel his presence every time I'm by that tree. I don't hate my father quite like my mother. Although, I must admit that his letters towards the end, certainly did not rekindle any fuzzy feelings. My dad was an irony. He was almost simple minded. He did not need much to please him. He was happy wearing the most raggedy clothes and he really didn't care what others thought about him. His one passion was catching river prawns. He could spend all day doing just that. Even as he aged, he would drop a net by his secret location on his way to town and pick up his catch for the day as he headed home in his old scooter. One time, he was gone so long, we thought something might have happened to him. Instead, he came home during dusk with almost 10kg of prawns. We ate so much prawns for the next few months that I was sick of it for years. That was my father. I guess looking back, he does have a special place in my heart. But I'm not sure if he'll step forward if there's a medium in town. What would he say to me? Would the words finally come directly from his heart? One can only wonder.

Monday, June 10, 2013

My second brother's visa expired before my son turned one and he had to return to our home country. For other family, it would have been natural to use the time to spend more time with immediate family. But my family is no ordinary family and my second brother ended up living with a close family friend for the duration of time he was there. He didn't even tell our parents that he was in the country and he really did not want to go see them. While he probably would deny this, he was hurt by them. While he had enough sense to dismiss all the years of accusations, it took a toll on him. Subsequently it was I who convinced him to at least pay a visit so that mum and dad can see him and not so much for him to go see them . They visited for a few hours and they cried. Mum was probably pathetic. Playing the sick victim role and crushed that she was abandoned. Knowing my mother, she can certainly string it out. She never took any responsibility for all the cruel remarks that she had made and the lies that she had concocted over the years. The countless time her hatred towards us was on the forefront simply because she wanted more money. Pictures of their brief visit were not pleasant to look at to say the least. Mum looked bad and so did dad. They had no life and I was completely shocked by their appearance. To some extent, it almost seemed that she was waiting for that last visit from my brother so that she could do what she had planned. That is to end her own life.

I just responded to a comment on the online support group on a similar incident. Her mother also took her own life by stopping all medications.  It was interesting that I caught myself ending my response by saying that I did not regret not going to see my mother on her death bed because she did not deserve to have one last visit with me. I feel very strongly that she took her life as an attempt to put one last dagger in her children. For us to regret what we did to her. I just can't forgive her for not only the years of emotional manipulation, she took it to the end and tried to leave us in an emotional shamble. It just mind boggling that someone is capable of something so cruel. It is so bizarre.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

I remembered years ago when I was in highschool, I lived away from my family in another town. My parents moved away and I wanted to stay back to finish the year at my school. With the help of the pastor, I was placed with a family for a few months. While they were very gracious in having me, my stay with the family resurfaced their unresolved issues. Along the way, I was hurt and so were they. My mother concluded the conflict as jealousy. She felt that I, her daughter was "better" and hence, their daughter was jealous and made my life a living hell. Their daughter did make my life with them rather challenging but looking back, she had her reason to feel how she felt.

I remembered my mother basking on this incident and told just about everyone her version. Putting me on the pedestal and undermining what they did for me. Calling them "crazy" and disregarding their hospitality. While she took my side, it didn't soothe my soul. My mother knew the content of their pain but had no compassion whatsoever for this family. I was confused and unsettled. I was very hurt to say the least. I was just a girl caught in between. I had to keep my mouth shut and played along. When the day came for them to ask me to leave, it was painful. I accepted it and I left having to heal my own wound. After I left, I  kept my distance with the family. The only way I knew how. That was the only way they knew too. I did run into the mother years later at another church. We did not greet each other. That was the last time I saw any one of them in person.

I do think about them once in awhile. The family did impact my life for the good and the bad. The mother once said something that took me years to finally realized what she meant. The father was a gentle soul who loved me. The brother knew where the turmoil was. He never took side and he always had this quiet wisdom about him. The daughter was hurt and I reminded her of the source of pain. She was a girl too at the time and taking it out on me was the only she knew how. Getting rid of me was the easiest way out for them. It helped to eliminate the "reminder" but I don't think it helped them face the true problem. I see things quite differently now. I don't fault them for hurting me. As much as I wish that they will find their peace, I don't think they ever did take the time to heal their pain. I hope I am wrong.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

The rationale self delivered today. My heart did not pump quite as hard as before when the meeting began. I took control and was able to put forth a sound argument. I was able to silent the beast and get the best possible outcome. I am pleased. While I want to celebrate, I will have to hold it off for at least till the end of the week. I checked my email this afternoon, nothing from the attorney. It was a relief. I didn't give in but I compromised where I had to. I gave in 10% of the demands and I think, I have come out of this ahead of the game. It is only the beginning. The beast is not that fierce this time around. I don't like to battle with them but it comes with the job. This time I survived unscathed and I hope through my career, it will remain so.

It has been a very stressful day but looking back, several pieces were definitely put in place by the Almighty in my favor. A person brought in by the opponent took immediate liking to me. It definitely ease the tension in the room. That can only be of divine intervention. The attorney was much younger than I had anticipated. One with some jargon but due to her lack of experience, was not able to sustain her argument. It made it easier for me. I had nothing against her but I certainly annoyed her when I interjected her. I didn't think she had a chance to finish a sentence nor made point. I had to defend my work when she had the nerve to suggest that I failed mine. I took everything in consideration including her requests/demands - some of which were down right ridiculous. Which I kindly did not embarrass her in front of the entire committee. She is an attorney and she looks at numbers. I look at the well being of the person. I said what I said not with the intention to put her down. I said what I said in the best interest of my client. In the end, I felt that I have given my client the best chance within the circumstances.

However, this entire battle did not come with my client's best interest at heart. The person simply want to battle any cost. The person derive attention from creating issues that are not even there. The song and dance that I have to do can be extremely frustrating. This person will continue to fight, just because. I see my client chances of life being taken away from him right before me. I have no authority to change things. Professionally,   I have stalled it long enough to get it out of my hair. But I can't help but see the damage that is to come.  It's a shame that there are so many of these kinds in the world who take pleasure in destroying what is perfectly made.

Monday, June 3, 2013

I have been the most assertive today than I've ever been since coming to this country. It was the very few time I was able to articulate myself, stand on my truth and sway the opinion of the foe. I was able to take account of the attorney's request and refuse the demands based on my professional assessment. But this feeling of accomplishment was soon overtaken by my insecurity. I have not been able to sleep the last few nights. I try to forget it but it has been difficult.

It's my rationale self battling this inner child's fear. My rationale self is trying to calm her down. My rationale self is trying to reassure her but it is not working. My rationale self knows that I have done all that I could. I went with my gut and I ran with it. My inner child wants to retreat to a corner. I am trying to settle her down and I can't. She is still scared. I hope tomorrow, my rationale self will stay in the forefront. It is not a battle that should be fought. But crazies are everywhere and my rationale self knows that you do what you have to do and even if the outcome may not be favorable, it is still ok. 

Good luck to me, my rationale self says. I will be there for you my inner child.