Monday, July 28, 2014

In a few hours I will be getting back in the grind of things. I am more willing to roll up my sleeve and go with the punches. Nonetheless, I'm not sure how I will cope. There are many positives but there are also many negative emotions. Some are reasonable but others are over reactions. Irregardless, they are overwhelming and very real. This morning, the thought of escaping and doing something away from this reality was very enticing. Years ago when I was at life cross road, I signed up to be a volunteer to go to Africa. After several interviews over a period of several months, I was offered a lead position to go set up a special school in a foreign land. At the time, I really did not care much about anything. I just wanted to leave. To leave the life I knew and to get away from it all. If that volunteer work did not pan out, I was determine to be a dive master in the Maldives. In the midst of the chaos, I met my now husband. Despite the overwhelming need to get away, I decided to stay and gave the new relationship a go. I am glad I did. The work that I did fell apart. Nothing went my way professionally but my personal life took a positive turn. This relationship has stood the test of time. Work has been work. While I find my profession fulfilling, this was not the year I was willing to change. My plea fell on deaf ear and it has been more hurtful than I had imagine. Spoke to many people but truth is, only time will tell. At this point, I will try my hardest to hold it together while taking time to care for me and my family. At the end of the day, that is what matters the most. I hate this cross road and maybe it is time to look out of open casting call.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Currently at my life's cross road. Looking at the big picture, it is not a bad cross road to be in but emotionally, I am struggling to give myself permission to do what my heart desire. Giving up control is a hard thing for me to do and giving up financial freedom is also difficult. For a couple of years I have toyed with the idea of taking the year off to be a Stay at Home Mom. Job has pushed me to make this decision. I don't have to but I would like to. But I am also consumed with all kinds of fear. Never thought this decision would be this hard. For the last few months since the changes at work came to light, I have had a pit my stomach and could not understand what that pit was until now. It all stemmed from having a choice or lack thereof. Growing up, I hated the fact that my parents almost always were in position of not having a choice in life. We couldn't buy something or do something, because we didn't have it. In my psyche, having the choice not to have and not to buy is empowering although the outcome is the same. At this juncture, I feel like I've been pushed in a corner where my choice is taken from me and therefore rendering me powerless. I still don't know how to snap out of it.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Had a rough week. For several reasons. One, I think I am going through pre-menapausal. Feeling a little "off." hot flushes, irritability. Two: work has been challenging.  It's just that time of the year. I tried not to let it bother me but it did.  Today, I walked out, packed up and left. I was surprised how hurt I felt. I felt extremely unappreciated. Almost instantaneously, I realized it is yet another unresolved emotions from my past. The distance I went for my parents, only to be pushed to the way side. That's exactly how I felt today. Unvalidated.


Interestingly, right after I posted the above, I found a blog about being vulnerable and letting ourselves feel the hurt. For only if we allow the flow of our true feeling, that we can take the journey of healing. After tossing and turning for 2 hours........and at 1 am, I finally figured out why I am so hurt. I am hurt because I should have been holding my infant child that was never to be. I am hurt because I shouldn't even be there for someone to have the opportunity to be mean to me. I was supposed to be on maternity leave for a few more months. I am hurt because I never took the time to grieve for this loss. For a moment, I envisioned my children in heaven awaiting my arrival. All happy but I wish at least one or two more had made it here. But I also envisioned them looking over their brother who is here.

Now I know.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Coworker  "but your father was a man of God."
me: "he was no man of God"
Coworker, "but he studied theology"
me: "sure he did, but that doesn't make him the man of God"

That was something I thought over for many years and have come to this conclusion. What's the prerequisite to be a man of God? Not much really, all it takes is "calling." Anyone can claim to have a "calling." I truly believe my father wouldn't be able to do anything else. Being a pastor allowed him to be on pulpit week after week. It is the only job you can be in the forefront with barely any effort. I proceeded to tell my coworker that my dad was so bad that we ended up in the worst of the worst church, tucked in the most secluded part of the country. He always ended up in a church that no other "men of God" wanted to go. The church I grew up in, was once known to be haunted. When we moved in, the place was overgrown and my parents with their bare hands, cleared the entire property. Then my Narcissistic Mother who also studied Theology, helped to run the kindergarten. It was so successful that the enrollment went up 5 folds, to a point where we had to turn kids away. Once the church had money, it didn't take long to other "men of God" to take notice and want a piece of the pie. Granted my parents did attempt to embezzle $$$, it wouldn't have come to light if the church weren't generating money.

These days as the indiscretions of the churches begin to surface, others are starting to have a glimpse of the facade that I grew up in. The self righteousness. The judgmental nature of many Godly people.  My Narcissistic Mother could take on the pulpit and give the best sermon. My father on the contrary repeated himself week after week for as long as I can remember.

What is it then? What is uttered is not what is within. I believe there are "men of God" out there. But they are few and far in between. Fewer than we think. We know of a handful and many more are not caught. The scandals will find its way out for some and others, it will go undetected. So much for all these "men of God."

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Woke up this morning to a text from a college friend - Dr,  letting me know that a mutual friend - FT just passed away from bone cancer leaving behind a husband and two children. Last time all three of us met as group was in the exotic island of the Maldives almost 15 years ago. It was my all time BEST vacation EVER. I have not been in touch with FT since.

First time I met FT was at a diving trip in Aoteroa. I've always LOVED the Maldives and when I found out that FT was from there, I shared my fondness and yearning to dive in the Maldives again. She told me that her uncle owned a dive shop and if I ever visited her, she can make arrangement for her uncle to take me diving. I was thrilled of sheer thought of having a local as a guide and even more excited about the possibility of a couple of free dives. I graduated soon after and left. Found a job in Asia and kept loosely in touch with Dr. While I was away, Dr and FT somehow became friends and then roommates. They became good friends. When they both graduated with their doctorate, they and another mutual friend SF decided to take a trip around the world while visiting friends along the way. I was one of the friend they decided to visit. At the time, I also ceased the opportunity to join them for a week when they finally dropped FT back in her home country of the beautiful Maldives.

When I arrived in the Maldives, I was taken on a private boat to the main island and there, waiting for me, was a limousine with the country's flag. I had a driver and I was taken to FT's sister's home. It was a three storey building and her sister lives on the top floor. All of them were there to greet me and before long, I found out that our friend with an uncle who owned a dive shop was actually a part of one of the most politically influential family in the country.  She was related to everyone in the very top position in the country including the president. None of us knew until we stepped foot in her country. As a friend, she was one of the most down to earth person we have ever met.

She took care of every aspect of our vacation. We were treated like VIPs. We were flown to whichever island we wanted to go. We stayed in the best resorts. We had fun and she expected nothing in return. Her hospitality was beyond words.

I've always talked about that vacation to friends and family. I always bragged that I knew someone of position in that country. I've always thought that it would great if I could bring my family back there to visit some day. I guess I still could. But it will never be the same without her.

Dr. wants to make a trip there in the near future in memory of her friendship with FT. She wanted closure as they had a fall out a few years back. I think FT will appreciate that. For now, I am left with a memory of a friend who treated me like gold even though we didn't know each other that well. I hope her soul rest in peace for she was a good person when she was here on earth.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

This post marks our 13th year wedding anniversary. As a couple, we have each grown to be much better person today than we ever was. Interestingly, 13 years ago neither one was us realized that we each have a Narcissistic Mother. In fact, we both thought we had great mothers. Everything his mother said was given such great regard.  My husband was in awe of his mother. As for me, I wanted nothing more but to fulfill my mother's every wish. I sacrificed more than I should just so I can give it to her. 

We both suffered as a result of it. Given both mothers have opposite traits within the narcissistic spectrum, our symptoms are very different. I am very indifferent, on the exterior at least. Almost always uncertain how to react. Him on the other hand is very reactive to the slightest thing. 

The core of who we are is a result of years of trying to navigate ways to fulfill the impossible needs of our narcissistic mothers. My husband never measured up to his "fabulous" mother while I can never fulfill the "wrongdoings" of the world that my mother had to endure.  It is simply insane that we are not more insane..

In recent years, we have both come to grip with the reality. The price I paid for my epiphany is rage. My husband's paid the price of disappointment.

Since I cut contact with his mother, this anniversary will be the first with nothing from her. It is actually rather nice. Because I no longer have to put on a facade. Instead, we just took our time for ourselves. Went to a local seafood festival, walked around in the sun, swam in the pool, and ended our weekend with a dinner at our favorite restaurant. Food was good. Just us three as a family.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Friend of mine took the long trip home a few weeks ago to visit family because she was homesick. Another friend just renewed her passport hoping to go home this summer because she too is homesick. When I first moved here, my feeling of homesickness became almost unbearable by the time the third year came along. I was working full time and going to school in the evenings. I had to beg my boss and my professors to let me take a few weeks off. I was so excited when my boss approved my vacation, excusing me from my summer duty. Unfortunately my first visit home was a dose of reality that I had not anticipated.

My oldest brother, my youngest niece and my mother picked me up at the airport. The last time I saw them, my brother was driving a nice car. They had long used up the ten grand I wired them. I was picked up in a old decrepit car that was about to fall apart. When I asked whose car it belonged to, I was met with sheer silence that could slice through a soul. My visit was awful. I was so miserable. I hated every bit of it. By the time my husband called, I was crying my eyes out. I don't even remember the details of my misery. The house had such negative energy that it sucked the very life out of me. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Three years later, I made another trip home. It was soon after my 2nd and final round of failed IVF. I had a positive pregnancy test a few days, only to find out that it was a chemical pregnancy. I had days to purchase my ticket and I paid premium. My emails to my family about my visit were ignored. It was the hurt that I refused to entertain. I planned the trip knowing the consequences. I planned my trip with extended days with friends in the beginning and end to refresh my soul. It worked out well. This time, my oldest brother and my oldest niece were there to meet me in the same old car, three years older. This was the trip my mother rolled her eyes at me when I walked through the door. I responded by giving her a big kiss on her cheek. I soon found out that she hated me so much that she didn't care if I did not have anyone to pick me up. The tension remained but soon she did soften her harden shell and cooked me a few of my favorite dishes. But I never did forgive her for rolling her eyes at me. I never did tell her about my miscarriage but close family friends who knew made sure that I had extra nutritiousness food to heal. My mother was so preoccupied with her hatred and anger that she didn't see the daughter in front of her.

My last visit was four years after that. By then, both my parents have passed. I wanted my son to meet his cousins. I was not sure how the atmosphere of the house would be. I was surprised by the simple joy without the presence of the haunting negativity. The visit was a success. The cousins met and created happy memories.

Two years have gone by and I have not had an ounce of homesickness. I do think about my friends and my nieces and nephew. But everyone has moved on and so have I. I have created a life here and is happy with where I am. Homesickness is for others and it is merely a concept in my mind. A unfulfilled desire that I no longer entertain. My home is here.