Thursday, May 29, 2014

Had a rough week. For several reasons. One, I think I am going through pre-menapausal. Feeling a little "off." hot flushes, irritability. Two: work has been challenging.  It's just that time of the year. I tried not to let it bother me but it did.  Today, I walked out, packed up and left. I was surprised how hurt I felt. I felt extremely unappreciated. Almost instantaneously, I realized it is yet another unresolved emotions from my past. The distance I went for my parents, only to be pushed to the way side. That's exactly how I felt today. Unvalidated.


Interestingly, right after I posted the above, I found a blog about being vulnerable and letting ourselves feel the hurt. For only if we allow the flow of our true feeling, that we can take the journey of healing. After tossing and turning for 2 hours........and at 1 am, I finally figured out why I am so hurt. I am hurt because I should have been holding my infant child that was never to be. I am hurt because I shouldn't even be there for someone to have the opportunity to be mean to me. I was supposed to be on maternity leave for a few more months. I am hurt because I never took the time to grieve for this loss. For a moment, I envisioned my children in heaven awaiting my arrival. All happy but I wish at least one or two more had made it here. But I also envisioned them looking over their brother who is here.

Now I know.

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