Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Currently at my life's cross road. Looking at the big picture, it is not a bad cross road to be in but emotionally, I am struggling to give myself permission to do what my heart desire. Giving up control is a hard thing for me to do and giving up financial freedom is also difficult. For a couple of years I have toyed with the idea of taking the year off to be a Stay at Home Mom. Job has pushed me to make this decision. I don't have to but I would like to. But I am also consumed with all kinds of fear. Never thought this decision would be this hard. For the last few months since the changes at work came to light, I have had a pit my stomach and could not understand what that pit was until now. It all stemmed from having a choice or lack thereof. Growing up, I hated the fact that my parents almost always were in position of not having a choice in life. We couldn't buy something or do something, because we didn't have it. In my psyche, having the choice not to have and not to buy is empowering although the outcome is the same. At this juncture, I feel like I've been pushed in a corner where my choice is taken from me and therefore rendering me powerless. I still don't know how to snap out of it.