Monday, September 30, 2013

Just received a text from a childhood friend. She had just delivered a beautiful son on my son's birthday in August, and her parents and sister are there. I have known this family since I was five. We celebrated many Christmases and New Year at her grandmother's house. Those were very fond memories to say the least.They immigrated soon after and I didn't see them for years until I moved there for my first job. It was her parents that housed me for several months until I found my own place. Me and her started to bond and we became like sisters. When she finished college and moved back home, we spent many after work hours together going to movies and dinner. Soon, she settled down and through our ups and downs, we kept in touch. Separately, so did our parents.

When my mother was almost at the end of her life journey, I got a call from her, a directive from her mother for me to give my mother a call. I briefly told her my side of the story and she didn't feel that there was a need for me to tell her more. She felt that she did her part as her mother's daughter and that was that. We have never talked about my parents ever since. It was of no interest to her and our friendship remains pure to this day.

The text I received tonight was that her mother wants to talk to me before she leaves tomorrow. What would she say to me? She would kill me if she showed me with an ounce of kindness. The very fact that she is there by her daughter's side showed me yet again, my mother's abandonment of me is not cultural. The text makes me wonder if she would she try to bring up the past? If she does, it wouldn't be the first time one of my mother's friend came to try to talk some sense into this ungrateful daughter.

At this fragile state of mind, as I'm grieving my own lost, I have my past haunting me. The call from her will be a stark reminder of the past. As I am touched by her interest to touch base with me, I am also uncertain if I can handle any accusation at this time. Therefore I am yet again, an emotional wreck.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Had my first ultrasound 2 days ago and what was suppose to be my first encounter with my little one ended up with a bad news. I am pregnant with an empty sac. The news is devastating to say the least. What is comforting is the outpouring of love and support from friends and family. Coworkers are understanding and allowing me space to grieve. My in laws called and on some level, it is harder for them. They have to grieve for this loss and also cope with the sense of helplessness for being so far from us.  My 2nd brother called to check in, and will call again tomorrow after my procedure. He wasn't there when I had my first miscarriage. Years later when he found out what I went through, he felt rather bad. Looking back, we are beginning to bond like normal siblings. Close friends are cautious. Checking in via text to see if I am ok to talk. I called a few and a few called me. A friend who had gone through infertility talked about the loss of the anticipation and all the planning thus far. I can't help but agree. We had already discussed this child's future. Things like saving for college, paying for insurance, configuring the house, to buy or not to buy new crib, when to take down all the baby items from the attic, names, the vision of my son being the big brother, and the list goes on and on and on.

My narcissistic mother in law is oblivious to the pregnancy. We never did tell her and glad that we didn't. She would have said something that is socially expected but with nothing invested. My own narcissistic mother is now gone. She never did care for all the ones that I had loss previously and if she's alive today, she wouldn't have cared anymore than she did. My last visit before she passed was soon after a failed IVF. Not only did she not care, she didn't welcome my visit after not having seen me for over 3 years. In fact, it was a close family friend who gave me herbal supplements as attempts to nurse me back to health. She was also flabbergasted at the level of disregard my parents had towards me. It is good not to have to deal with my narcissistic mother ever again. But sadly I can still hear her hatred in the back of my head. I can still sense her joy for every pain that I go through.  I also did not tell my golden child big brother about this pregnancy. If my niece had not told him, he will probably be completely oblivious to this event. Although he has a soft spot in his heart for me, he is my mother's flea. He will echo what mother's attitude and I really don't need that at this time.

So here I am in an emotional valley. And as always, I have the love of my friends. I have a husband who is grieving along with me. I have the love of my in laws. But to add to the mix, I have my 2nd brother, my blood who actually gives a damn.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Lately there seems to be an increased of tragedies related to guns. Tied in with that, the perpetrators more often than not, suffer from some form of mental illness. And every time someone takes a person's life driven by psychosis, I am still amazed that I am still alive today. While the fear is no longer raw, it is ingrained in my mind. Having to turn my back to make sure he was not there. Having my heart jumped out of my chest when I saw a shadow that resembles him. Having to stay quiet when he came knocking at my door. Those were some very unpleasant years. But here I am. Alive and well.

We were innocent lovers. He was a sweetheart and never in my wildest dream did I ever imagine that he could be ill. And when it hit, it gave me no warning. He went from someone with spunk and rough on the edges, to someone with hollow eyes, hyperventilating, and living in fear of everything that moved. Living in fear that someone was going to harm him. Every move was a threat. Every color was signs for a violent act. Every gesture meant imparting some form of secret messages that he was fearful of. Anyone who was within his eye sight was potential victim. Anyone who drove by his house, was following him. As he became progressively worse, his thoughts were finally put into actions. Started with a push of a random stranger in the street, to burning down a bus stop. Over time, I had to admit that my life was in danger. That at any time, I could be a target. At any time, he could turn on me. That's when I began to plot for my departure.

I remember that day so vividly. I got dressed. Left the house like I was going to work while he left to look for a job. I went to the beach instead. It was a work week. The beach was quiet. I sat on the rock. I looked down at my feet with tears streaming down my face. Then I looked over the horizon. I saw hope. I looked at my watch and it was time to return. I knew my window of opportunity was small. Met up with 2 friends. We took my personal belongings. I looked at our apartment, bit farewell, and walked out the door. A friend took me in. Gave me a bed. That night, I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. I looked up the ceiling and cried my eyes out.

I did it all with friends by my side. No support from anyone who was suppose to be my family.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

What makes a bitch a bitch? That is the question? For some reason, what makes it okay for some people to slam others and have no remorse? I am encountering one at work right now. I don't know if she is a true bitch or if she is just abrasive. What differentiates the two? Well, the true bitch feels entitled and will get what she wants at any cost. The abrasive one is just clueless and has no social graces, which I can tolerate. In fact, I have ended up as good friends with some of the abrasive ones. So far, I'm not sure if I should confront this person, let it go, or wait and see. But I'm almost certain that I need to bring it up to the attention of my immediate supervisor. Gotta cover my b.e.h.i.n.d.  Maybe next time she "lecture" me, I will have to call her a nice way. Cos' I'm not a bitch, just by choice only when necessary.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Joel Osteen “ you may have made choices that delayed your destiny, but you can still become who God has created you to be.”

This quote ring so true to me. In my life time, I have to delay just about every aspect of my life. Had to delay my education because I had to save enough money to do so. I had to delay having a family because I messed up the first time. Had to delay having children because I immigrated and had to get my career going first. After 40 plus years, things are finally falling into place.

It is rather interesting, at every stage of delay, I felt like I was so far behind. After high school, it seems that all my peers have a path set out for them. I was very envious as I had nothing set out for me. I knew if I wanted a higher education, I had to hustle and I did just that. Got a job, save my butt off and went for it. During that whole time, I didn't know how and when that dream will ever come true. It was extremely daunting.

When I had my first job, I was four five years older than my peers.I felt like I had missed opportunities being the “older” one in the group. But looking back, the four five years is not that big of a deal anymore. Today, professionally and personally, I am right where everyone is. In fact, working before going to school gave me a different perspective of life that my peers didn't have. Now I appreciate the detour but back then, it was unsettling.

When my first marriage ended , again I felt like having had missed opportunities. I was surrounded by my younger peers who had just found love. Who had just bought their first home and expecting their first child. At the time, everyone had someone and I felt that I will never find anyone. That I will never have a home to call my own. It was extremely painful to have to walk away from everything. To have to walk away with nothing but a suitcase and the clothes on my back. At the time, I never thought I will ever be able to pick myself up again. But I did and I did find someone. The home, the house with a yard, a dog and a cat all just happened like we've never missed a beat.

Soon after that we immigrated. I ended up taking jobs that I was over qualified for. I had to pursue higher education to get back in the field I was practicing for over 5 years. I had to suck it up and it took 7 years for all things to fall in place. Through it all, I was very aware of my biological clock ticking. We took no precaution and there were no results. Finally, the reality of infertility set in especially when I started to realize that friends who married later are beginning to have their 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th child. It was a humbling experience. Through different twist and turn, we finally have our first child 8 years into our marriage and now, 4 more years later, we are expecting our 2nd child. 12 years in the making.

Just like how I reacted to my previous delays, this delay also made me feel like I may have started a little too late. I start to question if I am too old for taking such risk. If I will be around long enough. I can't help but see my peers talk about their children applying for colleges, or at least high school. My eldest is only 4. He is not even in first grade. But like every twist and turn of my life, I have to trust that things will fall into place. That I am really not that far behind. That there is no such thing as missed opportunities.

Today I just have to trust the Almighty. Once I was the one who is a step or two behind, today I feel like I am a few steps ahead.  A loving husband, a beautiful son, another on the way, plus a dog, cat, and turtle in the mix, a home to call my own, a self sustaining career, and many many more other blessings. If delay takes me here, the wait is well worth it.

Friday, September 6, 2013

They say that a moth represent a visit from the one who passed.

It was merely a day or two after my mother passed, there was a moth at the screen door that opens up to my front door. I was rather taken aback, almost shocked by it when I was greeted by the big creepy eyes on it's wings. My first gut reaction was to say "what's the point of visiting now when you weren't interested when you were alive?" I then closed the door. That moth never came back.

My father passed away a few weeks before my trip back to see him. We were just busy packing and getting ready for the 20-30 hours trip. We went about as usual and after visiting friends and my family, we went back to one of closest friend's home. We were visiting at her dining table and a moth came fluttering in. I said, "that's my dad." She said, "how you know it's not your mum?" I said, "because my mum had already came." It was then, that her husband walked in, saw the moth, picked up a magazine and started to swipe at it. My friends hollered at her husband, "leave it alone!" and he did. He left the moth alone, and soon, it fluttered away. This moth was smaller and didn't have the evil eyes.

Haven't seen another moth since.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

We just found out that we are expecting our 2nd child. It is yet another answered prayer. This time I will carry this child without the existence of my narcissistic mother. She was never there through my miscarriage and the whole pregnancy of my son. So one would say that there is no difference this time from the last time. But there is a HUGE difference. This time, I don't have a debbie downer. I don't have to carry the pain of wanting her affection. I don't have to yearn for what was never there. I don't have to try to be nice only to be shot down with the most hurtful accusation. I don't have to live knowing that my narcissistic mother don't care if I live or die. I don't have to experience her jealousy towards my son, her own flesh and blood. This time, I get to carry this child without her shadow casting on my back. The thought itself gives me a tremendous sense of serenity.