Monday, July 28, 2014

In a few hours I will be getting back in the grind of things. I am more willing to roll up my sleeve and go with the punches. Nonetheless, I'm not sure how I will cope. There are many positives but there are also many negative emotions. Some are reasonable but others are over reactions. Irregardless, they are overwhelming and very real. This morning, the thought of escaping and doing something away from this reality was very enticing. Years ago when I was at life cross road, I signed up to be a volunteer to go to Africa. After several interviews over a period of several months, I was offered a lead position to go set up a special school in a foreign land. At the time, I really did not care much about anything. I just wanted to leave. To leave the life I knew and to get away from it all. If that volunteer work did not pan out, I was determine to be a dive master in the Maldives. In the midst of the chaos, I met my now husband. Despite the overwhelming need to get away, I decided to stay and gave the new relationship a go. I am glad I did. The work that I did fell apart. Nothing went my way professionally but my personal life took a positive turn. This relationship has stood the test of time. Work has been work. While I find my profession fulfilling, this was not the year I was willing to change. My plea fell on deaf ear and it has been more hurtful than I had imagine. Spoke to many people but truth is, only time will tell. At this point, I will try my hardest to hold it together while taking time to care for me and my family. At the end of the day, that is what matters the most. I hate this cross road and maybe it is time to look out of open casting call.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Currently at my life's cross road. Looking at the big picture, it is not a bad cross road to be in but emotionally, I am struggling to give myself permission to do what my heart desire. Giving up control is a hard thing for me to do and giving up financial freedom is also difficult. For a couple of years I have toyed with the idea of taking the year off to be a Stay at Home Mom. Job has pushed me to make this decision. I don't have to but I would like to. But I am also consumed with all kinds of fear. Never thought this decision would be this hard. For the last few months since the changes at work came to light, I have had a pit my stomach and could not understand what that pit was until now. It all stemmed from having a choice or lack thereof. Growing up, I hated the fact that my parents almost always were in position of not having a choice in life. We couldn't buy something or do something, because we didn't have it. In my psyche, having the choice not to have and not to buy is empowering although the outcome is the same. At this juncture, I feel like I've been pushed in a corner where my choice is taken from me and therefore rendering me powerless. I still don't know how to snap out of it.