Saturday, January 19, 2013

Went to a funeral today.   A friend's mum passed away. I got ready and I put on my mother's ring. A pretty set of pearls. Wasn't one of my favorite but today it just seemed appropriate. The funeral was held in a small church. Quite like the one I grew up in. We sang old hymns. The ones I sang as a little girl. The pastor gave the eulogy using the same phrase my dad had used week after week. Being there today brought back memories of my childhood but I'm surprised how unemotional I was. Perhaps I was numb. Perhaps I wanted so much not to shed another tear for my parents that I shut all my emotional connection down. A year ago, I had a sense of much intense hatred and anger that I no longer feel today. Perhaps this is my second stage of grieving. I don't know.

Today's funeral was about a woman who had lived a full life. A daughter's grieve and sadness. A daughter left behind. I felt left behind years before my mother's passing. That hurts me more than her actual passing.

When a person loses a parent, I can only assume that it is comforting when others says "I'm sorry for your loss." For someone in my position, I have people wishing me ill before I can even begin. And when others who care expressed their sympathy, I can only respond with graciousness. Very few can comprehend the true struggle of love never had. Very few can comprehend the hurt to see relationship that others have had and while it is sad to see my friend lose her mother, she will always have memories to cherish. My memories are not nice. It is filled with rejection. It is filled with hateful lies and hurtful words.

While I am sad that my friend had to say goodbye to her mother, I am also sad for me. I am sad that I didn't have a mother like hers to say goodbye to.

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