Saturday, January 12, 2013

My mother's death is deemed a suicide in my eye. Months before she left, I knew within my heart that the end was near. There were hints here and there. The last time we spoke, the conversation ended abruptly. She had a sudden urgency to go to the bathroom. She left the phone unhooked and never returned to it. I listened to her voice as she spoke to my niece for awhile. Realizing that she had forgotten that I was on still on the phone, I hung up. And that was the last time I heard her voice.  My eldest brother also left a couple of hints here and there. Hints of her hallucinating but not saying much more.

The call came from our close family friend. She told me that my mother was in a coma. I was told that she had a big argument with my eldest brother a few months prior. In the heat of the argument, she told my brother that she would stop all her medications because she wanted to die. That was exactly what she did. That triggered the hallucinations and then stroke and then coma.

I decided not to go see her for the final time and I have no regret to this day. There was no reason to see someone who hated me and who never appreciated me. I also didn't want to have an image of my mother in the condition she was in. I didn't want to have to leave my toddler behind to see someone who wouldn't even know that I was there. It was pointless.

My eldest brother very quickly asked for thousands of dollars to hire a foreign maid for my mother. Through my family friend, I found out that was not an option as my brother would not have met the approval for a foreign maid since he hadn't been paying his income tax for years. Then, I tried looking into hiring a part time local person to help clean and bathe her and that did not materialize. My brother also wanted money to buy diapers and supplies for her. Knowing that money would not have gone to the right purpose, I decided to purchase the items and mailed them. They arrived and but not in time.

Her last few months of her life were not pretty as I was told. She was laid naked with a thin sheet covering her in the middle of the living room. She had no bowel control. She had bed sore. She grunted when she was changed. She also opened her eyes when lifted into sitting position. A hallow set of eyes staring into others. I was told, perhaps looking to see if the rest of her children would be there. Knowing that neither me nor my 2nd brother planned to be there, our close family friend whispered to her to tell her to just let go.

She finally died. Left as insignificant as she arrived. A life unappreciated. A life that could have been so much more but was drown in a sea of hatred and resentment. I don't miss her. My greatest relief is not having to hear her hurtful words ever again.


No comments:

Post a Comment