I always consider myself a tomboy at heart. For that I thought maybe that's why I never had a vision for my wedding day. No interest in beautiful thing or beautifying myself. No mother instinct for the longest time. But recently I wonder if being a tomboy is what is hindering me from having the capability to crave for such things? I begin to question and analyze how my feelings have evolved over the years. Perhaps it is not so innate afterall.

In my teens, my one wish in life is to have access to higher education. As we graduated highschool, I see my peers going overseas. I see that their family had plans for them and I had nothing. While I was as bright as the others, my road for higher education ended there. At 19, I joined the airline. I saved every penny. I ate instant noodles while my peers graced the street of Paris, London, Tokyo etc. and filled their wardrobe with only the best. When in town, I ate at local food stall while my peers partied in the best club and drank the finest wine. I was the odd one out. I couldn't do what they did. I couldn't indulge because I have a goal. To pay for a higher education. And that is what I did.

But that is not all, I took it a step too far. I was ridden with guilt if I even dare to indulge. The first New Year's day that I spent overseas, I was overwhelmed with guilt when I went out to dinner with my peers at a fancy restaurant. I couldn't help but compare the cost of that dinner to the average cost of my parents' meal. I was so indoctrinated by the guilt if I dare to spend a penny on myself. I carry that guilt for too many years. Over the years, as I slowly allow myself to care for myself, I started to feel empowered. It started with getting a decent haircut. Followed by buying a nice outfit for an occasion. Buying a nice pair of shoes, a purse. But I still short changed myself on bigger things like a vacation or my wedding. It was only in recent years that I allow myself to indulge in bigger things and my parents completely held that against me to their death bed.

Mother instinct. How can I even have one when I was told that I was a regret. That my own mother had wish that she had never had me. I don't even know what is mother instinct. I have never heard my mother talked about the joy of motherhood. She never told us about the cute things we did as a baby. She never talked about how she felt when I took my first step. As my peers had babies, I can't relate and don't see what is the big deal with those kids. I don't see what the ranting and raving is about. I don't know what is the purpose of having children. And then, I have my son and suddenly it all made sense. I just wished that I knew what I was missing out all those years.

While I still consider myself a tomboy, I am starting to allow myself to be a girl. As a mother, my instinct is as intact as one can be. I am allowing myself to indulge a little bit more here and there. I will continue to watch my spending but today it is becoming more of being smart and budgeting, and not because it is driven by guilt.