Courage to speak up.

When I was growing up, I always felt like I don't have a voice. I felt unprotected and I felt that I have no advocate. Those who could have spoken up for me, could have defended me, did not. The one thing I always wanted is to have a voice and to be a voice for those who can't speak for themselves. Today, I do a fairly good job advocating for myself and my family. Professionally, I am able to steer people to do what is best for the little ones. However, I find myself still having no voice in certain situations. Being raised in the Eastern culture, I never had the experience of having someone in my face. I do feel threatened and physically, I feel like my heart is about to pound out of my chest when it happens. I have to challenge myself to rise above that because more often than not, I have reason to speak up. I have to speak up and quiet the aggressor in order to protect the vulnerable. I am in a position of authority to speak up and I am still afraid. I am also afraid to challenge those in authority or above me. Whenever I am positioned in a less than preferred situation, I generally do not speak up. My biggest fear is retaliation. Something I experienced too much of when I was growing up.

The one thing that is ingrained in my mind happened years ago. I must be around five or so. Mum bought something she shouldn't have and I blab it to dad. A HUGE mistake. She took me aside and although I don't remember what was said, I do remember feeling so guilty and so bad for even saying anything and since then, I don't say anything unless it is safe. Perhaps this is where my fear lies.

Growing up I must say that I never felt unprotected until I joined the work force. I joined the airline at 19. I traveled the world. I was overseas, alone, and open to predators. I was almost violated a few times but I was savvy enough to wiggle my way out of it, physically unharmed but emotionally shaken. I remember calling my mother after the first incident with a flight engineer. A married man twenty thirty years my senior, who tried to do the unthinkable. She brushed me off with no signs of empathy at all. I remember what she said to this day "that happens in every work place." In other words "get over it." In other words, she has no interest in protecting my rights. From then onwards, I knew, I was on my own. I have had several other close calls but as time went by, I learned what not to do. I learned to self protect and not put myself in position where I can be violated. Similar things have happened to other girls but the outcomes were quite different. Most of their parents took legal actions and the perpetrators were either fired or demoted. Of course, there were those like me. Some turned to alcohol to soothe their pain but secrets were revealed as they try to forget.

Through it all, I learned that predators know who to target. I learned that power is resources. I learned that power is knowledge. Power is connection. I had none of those things that would have empowered me and protected me. I was an easy target. I am proud to say that I am no longer an easy target. I have resources. I have knowledge and I know my way around. But unfortunately I am not proud to admit that I am not using my resources, my connection, my knowledge to protect those who are in position I once were. I still let my fear overwhelms me. I still let the voice of my past threaten  and silent me. I cannot let this be my legacy. For every time I don't speak up for those who needs me, I see myself denying a life line as they are drowning before me. I do need to find this voice of advocacy within me. I do need to silent my fear. I do need to rise above the threat of retaliation. I need to know that if I don't speak up for those who have no voice, I am doing to them what was done to me. I need to learn to be brave enough to do what's right.