Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The online support group certainly gives me a reality check. Many members endured much more severe form of neglect and abuse. It's easy for me to compare and begin to wonder if I was right with my conclusion that my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder at all. But having this blog certainly captured many of the raw emotions at the time and she certainly fits the criteria.  Every time when I begin to doubt, I simply have to go back to that time when she rolled her eyes at me after not having seen me in 3 years. That confirmed how hateful she can be.

The support group also gives me insight on the adjustments of some members. Many seems to struggle with their own identity. Their posting carries a tone of hatefulness towards the world. Suspicions that others are out to get them. That also made me think if I have a good grasp of who I am? I would like to think that I do. I would like to think that I have accepted that I am a daughter of a narcissistic and not question why. I would like to think that I am moving on.

Someone mentioned on the support group that she finally felt safe to rage after her Narcissistic Mother passed away. I must admit that my rage also began after my mother passed away. But it wasn't because I finally felt safe but I was just so mad that I didn't tell her off.  When she was alive, I was made to feel that I may never forgive myself if I ever offended her and quite the contrary, I felt angry that I never had the chance to put her in her place. Now I no longer have the same level of rage but I still have hatred towards her. Members of the group also struggle with the fear of guilt if they set boundaries or cut ties with their NM. I don't know if I'll advice them to tell their mothers off but I simply state that I have no guilt on my part. Maybe it's because I was never mean to my mother even when she was mean to me. I will never know how I would have felt if I really did tell her off like it is. But at this point, it really doesn't matter one way or the other. I just take pride of how I handled things. I stayed true to myself and didn't compromise my integrity just to be right. With that, I am at peace with myself.


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