"Narcissistic mothers are envious of their daughter"

 I thought she was proud of me until..... I don't know. She knew I was bright but she had such little expectation for me. She wanted to marry me off young and her vision for me was to be trapped like her. Live life at the mercy of others. Her vision of me was to stay home and teach piano to supplement the family's income. She never envisioned college for me but college was all I ever dream of, especially after high school. It consumed me for the better part of my young adult life. I spent hours praying and crying to God for the opportunity to go to college. I wish upon that wish on every wishing well. I rub the belly of every saint hoping for that wish to come true. I went on my knees alone by the hotel bed in foreign countries, begging for a chance to go to school. And then, it happened. She still seemed proud. She didn't shed a tear when I left. I remember telling someone then that "I felt safe knowing that my parents always say a prayer for me everyday." Did they? I'm not so sure now.

I think she began to get envious when she saw other children who graduated from college"providing" for their parents. What she failed to see or admit is that, they went to college with their parents' money. They had a head start and I didn't. I went on my own money. I went through sacrifices upon sacrifices to realize my dream. I had one shot to make it and I did it. She seemed to think that once I graduated, that her struggles would be over. That she can have whatever heck she wants. There is no way we can ever measure up to that expectation. We just didn't have enough for them and that was wrong in her eyes.  While she had such little expectation for my well being, she certainly expected a lot of me to provide for her. Even though she might not have been envious of me for my ability, she was envious of the perception that others seem to have it all. Though the envy may not be targeted directly at me, it still affected me. For in her eyes, I have failed.