It's been a few months since I started this blog. I have definitely benefited from having this forum to be completely honest. It gives me a safe place to analyze my feelings, my past, and to try to make sense of it all. I think I've moved forward with my recovery.

To be a continuous part of the online support group, all members have to be involved in active counseling, which I am not. But truth is, I went for counseling soon after my mother passed, mainly to deal with my lack of sadness to say the least. After walking through with me my thought process as well as my state of mind, she asked why I was even there. Having been in a field related to mental health, I am quite in tune with my own recovery in many level. By the time my mother passed and by the time I went for counseling, I  have actually already worked through a lot of my feelings prior and have already been in a state of acceptance of the reality of a mother that never was. I went for a few more sessions. They were helpful. She asked tough questions and by the end of about 2 months, she didn't feel that I needed anymore sessions and I agreed.

The person who runs the online support group feels rather strongly that all person raised by a Narcissistic Mother suffers from complex post traumatic disorder (C-PTSD), which I don't believe that I do.Then I go back to questioning why I don't have the symptoms. Perhaps it is because I was not the scapegoat growing up and I left home and lived far away by the time I was 19, and that kept her access to me to the minimum. Our distance, saved me. She didn't have the resources to chase me down. Perhaps that's why I was spared from the anxiety, fear, nightmares, depression etc.

While I claim that I no longer have the intense level of rage and hatred towards my own mother anymore, my MIL visit a few weeks ago brought upon a lot of rage within me. Then again, it was a different sort of rage. Having this blog I believe made me aware of my own fear as well. My fear to confront my MIL in the past. This time, I feel ready to set boundaries and look fear in the eye. I do say a lot but I usually don't act upon it. This time, I am challenging myself to act upon my believes. So, only time will tell if this rage will come to past. If I will have the courage to put my foot down and prevent toxic from entering my life. Only time will tell.