As the holiday approaches, I find myself being reminded of many memories.Last memory with my mother around the holiday is definitely unpleasant. She was mad at me for something. I never really know what the trigger was but I certainly felt her animosity.  I called and called and called and called. Given our time difference, it is not always easy to find the right time to call. My youngest niece would be the one to answer the phone and she was expected to lie on grandma's behalf, and she did a real good job. Somehow I know that this is not the first time she had to lie for grandma's sake. She was well trained and it broke my heart. For a few weeks, I believed the lie that grandma had gone to bed. At 6/7pm? quite unlikely. But who am I to question. But by the fourth or fifth call, I was suspicious. I let the holiday went by without talking to her. I finally woke myself up one day at 4/ 5 am, simply to make that call. She finally answered. I have proven a point and then what? Time wasted. It aggravated me. It saddened me. Perhaps that's what she wanted. To ruin my holidays. It didn't ruin mine but it certainly ruin hers. It gave her another story to tell. Another story of abandonment by her children.

 

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As little children, holiday was the busiest time of the year for my mother, myself and my 2nd brother. Given that my dad pastor a church in a small fishing village, the three of us gathered the children in the neighborhood for practice as soon as the school holiday started in around the end of November. My 2nd brother was very talented and he choreographed dance, songs, and we decorated the church. We had very little resources but that didn't stop us from being resourceful. Every year, there was a theme. My most memorable ones were the one where we painting twigs in silver and putting ornaments on them and the year we used a huge porcelain barrel with a basketball, and covered it with cotton to make a snowman. It was our escape to places we've never been. Year after year after year, we put on a great show and we were well acknowledged by both church goers as well as non church goers. The church was always packed to the brim. It was definitely a moment of glory. That was my holiday as a child. I never really said anything to anyone but as a child, I remembered yearning to have a break. I just wanted to go places. But I knew better. I knew that I couldn't say that. It would not be well taken. It's amazing what a child can sense even when she has no words to articulate her desire. So year after year, I simply did what I had to do until it ended abruptly 8 years later.
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Christmas carols always bring me to that day. Me sitting in the car with my ex. as we drove along Orchard Road while the shadow of Christmas decorations cast over me. Sitting in the car, I realized a year had gone by and we were right where we started. A year ago, I was certain that things would be better and I just realized that things weren't. I just realized that it was time to take action. Before long, I gave him an ultimatum which he didn't fulfill. I proceeded with divorce paper and the entire process took over a year. A year of agony, pain, and at times, fear for my life. He had his family backing him up and supporting him. Speaking for him and advocating for him. I had no one but my friends. A friend gave me a room to stay rent free for 6 months. Another friend took me home for dinner day after day and keeping me company, comforting me and letting me know that I matter. Covering up for me at work when I broke down and overwhelmed by all the legal battle. My parents did not call me for the entire year. I stopped calling because I ended up having to console my mother when my own life was potentially in danger. When my mother finally called, it was to ask how much I was to make with the sale of my apartment. I was so offended when she promised my sister-in-law that I was to give them $20,000 from the proceed of the sale.  I remembered vividly as I crossed the road one particular day. I realized that I am nothing but a bank account to my parents. They wouldn't care if I got hit and die. As long as they didn't have to foot the bill of my funeral, it didn't matter.

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Christmas was also the first time I met my now in-laws. I remembered being completely overwhelmed by the gifts I received. I remembered vividly realizing that the gifts I received that day was more than what I had gotten my entire life! That was also the day that I realized that I want my Christmas to be just like that. Where family gathers to create happy memories.