I don't care anymore does not equate to I don't hurt anymore. While I detach myself from the grip of a psychopath, I am hurt by the love I see other mothers give their children. I find myself fighting back tears when others celebrate the pregnancy of their daughter. I fought back tears when others appreciate their children's sacrifices. I fought back tears when others talked about the simple joy that they get to share with their mothers. I fought back tears to see pride in their eyes when they talked about their kids or grandchildren.

Lately we watched a lot of intervention show. Every episode triggers more hatred towards my parents. It baffled me on how deep a parent's love can be towards their useless, drugged out kid and here I am, a career woman, clean, and sober, and my mother treated me with such disdain. It just does not add up.

For the longest time, I wanted her approval. I wanted to give her pride. It is an impossible dream. Unless I am able to fulfill her EVERY unreasonable wishes, I am nothing but trash. For the longest time, I didn't realize that I am seeking something she couldn't give. I am seeking something that she simply does not have. I realize that now. While I still wish that I had a love of a mother, I am slowly learning to be okay with accepting this fact, that she has no love in her heart.