Thursday, December 6, 2012


As the holiday inches in, I find myself getting irate. I have caught myself on several occasions having perhaps unreasonable expectations on holidays and events like birthdays. I will dwell on what I want and that it will not happen, that I will not get the gift, the surprise, the whatever. One year I remember for my birthday, I was just simmering on what my husband didn't do and I was so wrong. He did buy me gifts, he did make plans. Because he simply went about the everyday life, giving me no clue, I simply assumed that he gave no regards to my birthday. Instead of being apologetic, I brushed it off, just like my mother would have. I am my mother's daughter after all. Oh how I hate to admit that.

For years and years, my mother guilt us about many things. One thing that she ALWAYS talked about is the opportunity to travel. She wished, and oh how she wished to be able to travel and see the world. If it's not for us (the kids), there will be nothing to hold her back. She can't wait for us to grow up, so she can have her freedom. Oh, how she would LOVE to see her long time friend in England. OH her dreams. Guess what, that dream was handed to her in a platter sooner than she thought. One would have thought she would jump on the opportunity but she didn't. She was now too old in her mind. She was only in her early 50s. "Oh, what's the point," she said "I'm about to die anyways" or "why waste the money?" and so on and so forth.

HUH???? I can't win for trying. I joined the airline at 19. She can travel ANYWHERE she wants for however often she wants. She can stay in 5 stars hotel at no cost with me on my trip. I am the youngest of her children. There is NOTHING to hold her back. NOTHING! and yet....

My 2nd brother tried for YEARS to take her places and he got handed the same thing. He has always been baffled by her resistance. He has interacted with much older folks and they were right in there, having fun and doing stuff. How he wished that his mother will do that with him. He wants to take her kayaking. Stay in a nice hotel. Go to the pool. Oh no, she is not having any of that. She accusingly said to me that my brother don't understand her. He pressured her too much. He doesn't know how physically strenuous it is for her. Excuses after excuses after excuses.

I never thought giving someone such an opportunity would be so hard. Finally, after years, I had to literally blackmailed her and guilt her to take her on a trip to New Zealand. I had to lie that I had already paid for her portion and that she would have cost me THOUSANDS of dollars if she backed off. When she said her knees were bad, I had a wheelchair arranged for the trip. I bought her the best shoes. She wanted a pair of jeans, I bought it for her. I got her everything that she wanted. All expenses paid for and all she had to do was to show up. How hard is that? she did show up. She came to our place and stood at our apartment for a few days before the trip and complained that our cable stink! It always have to be something. As much as she fought not to go on the trip, she did enjoy herself. It opened her eyes to so many things. She was truly happy.....for a little while, and then she was back in her rut.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have wasted my money and effort on her. On someone who had nothing good to say about me. I still wonder. I used to look at the pictures of that trip and was glad for a long time that I did what I did. I joked about it, like I have accomplished something. Because I was able to make her go somewhere. But really, I have accomplished nothing. Going home and seeing the souvenir covered with dust was heart breaking. Was another reminder that she didn't care.

Her happiness is so short lived. Whatever we did or attempted to do for her, never measure up to what she wants. They never measure up to what she had envision. And I catch myself doing exactly the same thing. Seeing what others have and too often failing to see what I have. And ended up being caught up in feeling disappointed and feeling unhappy. Lashing out at my love ones. Just like my mother. Just like her.......




No comments:

Post a Comment