My "ah-ha" moment perhaps.....

When I heard the news of my mother's passing, it was definitely a sense of relief, followed by sheer hatred. A feeling so deep and a burden that I carried for over a year now. Although the intensity has decreased, it is still there. For over a year, I had wish that I had told her how much I hated her for all her lies and for not being there for me. For deliberately hurting me over and over again. For too long, I said all the right thing and bit my tongue. I made sure while she was alive, I did what was right and said what was right. I didn't want to carry the burden of regret for not taking the high road and be the bigger person. But not in my wildest dream would I imagine that I would ever regret not letting her know my true feelings. A feeling of sheer hatred. I know that this is not healthy but I struggled to relief this feelings. I lash out at every opportunity I have to trusted people on my feelings towards her. Many who loves me, although don't comprehend where all these hatred came from, supported me nonetheless. For that, I am truly blessed. So, what is my "ah-ha" moment? While I regretted not articulating my hatred when I had the chance to,  I also know that I would probably regret it if I did. But most of all, lashing out at her would me just like her. It would compromise who I am. Today as I sat watching Dr. Phil, it came to me. Out of the blue, I came to a simple realization that instead of battling for the final word, I should be proud of how I handled the situation all these years. I should be proud of my ability to deflect. I should be proud of my ability to stand tall and do what is right. To set boundaries and to protect my family. My ability love myself and not let anyone, not even my mother to take advantage of me. For that, I think my healing process is beginning take place. I may not ever forgive her but I will at least know that I am not like her and I am the better person.