Being told that we can't afford anything all my life, I didn't have any reference to how much things actually cost when I first started working. I was afraid to spend. I remember the first time I went into an electronic store and realized that I could well and truly afford a video player was almost a monumental event. It was a small fraction of what I thought it would cost. It was like bringing a thousand dollars to buy a bottle of  nail polish.

Being told that we can't afford anything all my life also made me want to spoil my mother who had such a "hard life." In the beginning, I bought her stuff like a pair of beautiful sandals. For a brief moment she was happy to receive the gift but soon her insecurity set in. It looked awkward on her. The sandals was soon discarded and disregarded. Over time, I have bought her chocolates and other gourmet food, such as abalone for the New Year. She liked the chocolates but didn't know how to cook the abalone. Fresh food was harder to carry but I did it anyways. Usually by the time they arrived, the freshness was somewhat compromised, and she did not hesitate to insult my effort. One time my sister in law actually said something in my defense. That I brought it all the way because I didn't have the heart to eat it for myself, and it was true.

Towards the last few years of her life, every gifts that I sent were blatantly rejected. It didn't matter even if it was something that she liked.  In the end, I just stop trying. I didn't need to hear another  "we could have gotten it here" or "why did you waste your money." Never a "thank you" or "I really like it." To a novice, it almost sounded like she cared but truth is, she really didn't care that I "wasted my money," she was just upset that she didn't get to waste my money. That she can't use my money to afford everything she wanted.