Had my first ultrasound 2 days ago and what was suppose to be my first encounter with my little one ended up with a bad news. I am pregnant with an empty sac. The news is devastating to say the least. What is comforting is the outpouring of love and support from friends and family. Coworkers are understanding and allowing me space to grieve. My in laws called and on some level, it is harder for them. They have to grieve for this loss and also cope with the sense of helplessness for being so far from us.  My 2nd brother called to check in, and will call again tomorrow after my procedure. He wasn't there when I had my first miscarriage. Years later when he found out what I went through, he felt rather bad. Looking back, we are beginning to bond like normal siblings. Close friends are cautious. Checking in via text to see if I am ok to talk. I called a few and a few called me. A friend who had gone through infertility talked about the loss of the anticipation and all the planning thus far. I can't help but agree. We had already discussed this child's future. Things like saving for college, paying for insurance, configuring the house, to buy or not to buy new crib, when to take down all the baby items from the attic, names, the vision of my son being the big brother, and the list goes on and on and on.

My narcissistic mother in law is oblivious to the pregnancy. We never did tell her and glad that we didn't. She would have said something that is socially expected but with nothing invested. My own narcissistic mother is now gone. She never did care for all the ones that I had loss previously and if she's alive today, she wouldn't have cared anymore than she did. My last visit before she passed was soon after a failed IVF. Not only did she not care, she didn't welcome my visit after not having seen me for over 3 years. In fact, it was a close family friend who gave me herbal supplements as attempts to nurse me back to health. She was also flabbergasted at the level of disregard my parents had towards me. It is good not to have to deal with my narcissistic mother ever again. But sadly I can still hear her hatred in the back of my head. I can still sense her joy for every pain that I go through.  I also did not tell my golden child big brother about this pregnancy. If my niece had not told him, he will probably be completely oblivious to this event. Although he has a soft spot in his heart for me, he is my mother's flea. He will echo what mother's attitude and I really don't need that at this time.

So here I am in an emotional valley. And as always, I have the love of my friends. I have a husband who is grieving along with me. I have the love of my in laws. But to add to the mix, I have my 2nd brother, my blood who actually gives a damn.