Had a rough week. For several reasons. One, I think I am going through pre-menapausal. Feeling a little "off." hot flushes, irritability. Two: work has been challenging.  It's just that time of the year. I tried not to let it bother me but it did.  Today, I walked out, packed up and left. I was surprised how hurt I felt. I felt extremely unappreciated. Almost instantaneously, I realized it is yet another unresolved emotions from my past. The distance I went for my parents, only to be pushed to the way side. That's exactly how I felt today. Unvalidated.

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Interestingly, right after I posted the above, I found a blog about being vulnerable and letting ourselves feel the hurt. For only if we allow the flow of our true feeling, that we can take the journey of healing. After tossing and turning for 2 hours........and at 1 am, I finally figured out why I am so hurt. I am hurt because I should have been holding my infant child that was never to be. I am hurt because I shouldn't even be there for someone to have the opportunity to be mean to me. I was supposed to be on maternity leave for a few more months. I am hurt because I never took the time to grieve for this loss. For a moment, I envisioned my children in heaven awaiting my arrival. All happy but I wish at least one or two more had made it here. But I also envisioned them looking over their brother who is here.

Now I know.

Coworker  "but your father was a man of God."
me: "he was no man of God"
Coworker, "but he studied theology"
me: "sure he did, but that doesn't make him the man of God"

That was something I thought over for many years and have come to this conclusion. What's the prerequisite to be a man of God? Not much really, all it takes is "calling." Anyone can claim to have a "calling." I truly believe my father wouldn't be able to do anything else. Being a pastor allowed him to be on pulpit week after week. It is the only job you can be in the forefront with barely any effort. I proceeded to tell my coworker that my dad was so bad that we ended up in the worst of the worst church, tucked in the most secluded part of the country. He always ended up in a church that no other "men of God" wanted to go. The church I grew up in, was once known to be haunted. When we moved in, the place was overgrown and my parents with their bare hands, cleared the entire property. Then my Narcissistic Mother who also studied Theology, helped to run the kindergarten. It was so successful that the enrollment went up 5 folds, to a point where we had to turn kids away. Once the church had money, it didn't take long to other "men of God" to take notice and want a piece of the pie. Granted my parents did attempt to embezzle $$$, it wouldn't have come to light if the church weren't generating money.

These days as the indiscretions of the churches begin to surface, others are starting to have a glimpse of the facade that I grew up in. The self righteousness. The judgmental nature of many Godly people.  My Narcissistic Mother could take on the pulpit and give the best sermon. My father on the contrary repeated himself week after week for as long as I can remember.

What is it then? What is uttered is not what is within. I believe there are "men of God" out there. But they are few and far in between. Fewer than we think. We know of a handful and many more are not caught. The scandals will find its way out for some and others, it will go undetected. So much for all these "men of God."

Woke up this morning to a text from a college friend - Dr,  letting me know that a mutual friend - FT just passed away from bone cancer leaving behind a husband and two children. Last time all three of us met as group was in the exotic island of the Maldives almost 15 years ago. It was my all time BEST vacation EVER. I have not been in touch with FT since.

First time I met FT was at a diving trip in Aoteroa. I've always LOVED the Maldives and when I found out that FT was from there, I shared my fondness and yearning to dive in the Maldives again. She told me that her uncle owned a dive shop and if I ever visited her, she can make arrangement for her uncle to take me diving. I was thrilled of sheer thought of having a local as a guide and even more excited about the possibility of a couple of free dives. I graduated soon after and left. Found a job in Asia and kept loosely in touch with Dr. While I was away, Dr and FT somehow became friends and then roommates. They became good friends. When they both graduated with their doctorate, they and another mutual friend SF decided to take a trip around the world while visiting friends along the way. I was one of the friend they decided to visit. At the time, I also ceased the opportunity to join them for a week when they finally dropped FT back in her home country of the beautiful Maldives.

When I arrived in the Maldives, I was taken on a private boat to the main island and there, waiting for me, was a limousine with the country's flag. I had a driver and I was taken to FT's sister's home. It was a three storey building and her sister lives on the top floor. All of them were there to greet me and before long, I found out that our friend with an uncle who owned a dive shop was actually a part of one of the most politically influential family in the country.  She was related to everyone in the very top position in the country including the president. None of us knew until we stepped foot in her country. As a friend, she was one of the most down to earth person we have ever met.

She took care of every aspect of our vacation. We were treated like VIPs. We were flown to whichever island we wanted to go. We stayed in the best resorts. We had fun and she expected nothing in return. Her hospitality was beyond words.

I've always talked about that vacation to friends and family. I always bragged that I knew someone of position in that country. I've always thought that it would great if I could bring my family back there to visit some day. I guess I still could. But it will never be the same without her.

Dr. wants to make a trip there in the near future in memory of her friendship with FT. She wanted closure as they had a fall out a few years back. I think FT will appreciate that. For now, I am left with a memory of a friend who treated me like gold even though we didn't know each other that well. I hope her soul rest in peace for she was a good person when she was here on earth.