It's easy to overlook simple things in life and be grateful. For someone who at one time had lost all the basic moments, I would think that I will forever be grateful for the laughter, the daily mundane things, the quiet dinner, family time, dog barking, cat meowing, and all other things that all who has them take for granted. I am amazed at how quickly those times are now in such distant memory, to a point where it is almost forgotten. I took a moment this Thanksgiving to reflect and be grateful for my answered prayers. Prayers uttered so long ago when all else had gone wrong. Prayers uttered each time a quiet dinner was interrupted by yet another paranoid schizophrenia episode with him hyperventilating and being suspicious of random strangers in the restaurant. Prayers uttered each time a quiet evening was interrupted by his suspicion of the neighbor in another building trying to cast a spell on him by smoking. Prayers uttered each time a quiet ride home became an attempt to escape from the spy who is riding in the car next to us. Prayers uttered each time a vacation was ruin yet again. No arguments or reasoning can bring normal back.  So I prayed and I prayed. My one wish at the time was to have simple things in life back again. One would think that I will never forget and yet, I catch myself being ungrateful and irritated by stupid things. Perhaps it is human nature.

When I do take a moment to reflect, I am very grateful for this day. I do continue to say my quiet prayers. Prayers quite different from ones before. These days, I pray that God will protect me and my love ones. That God will keep us safe and most of all, I pray that God do not take away my simple things in life.

My mother in law walked out of my husband when he was five. My son is now four and a half. He is being a typical four year old and at times, he can be challenging. He is starting to push boundaries and having a mind of his own. Looking at my son, I see my husband at that age. How could his mother do that to him? To abandon that innocent little boy with little regards and having had nerve to say to my father in law as she walked out the door that "he is now your responsibility." A phrase my father in law will never forget and a phrase that made him despise her to this day.

I was watching 20/20 a few weeks ago about a story of a little boy who was abandoned at the tender age of one. He was quickly placed in a loving home. Now as a forty year old, videos of his childhood brings such sadness, because he cannot imagine who would abandon that beautiful and innocent little boy. 

As my son near the age his father was abandoned by his own mother, I can't help but envision that innocent little boy who was about to lose his mother. He loved her. He trusted her. He cried for her when she left. He had nightmares. He banged the door in the middle of the night looking for his mother. He asked where was mummy. He asked why she left. He asked when is she coming back. He cried for a long time. My husband has no recollections of those days but my father in law remembers those days as vividly today like it was yesterday.

I can only imagine how devastating it was for that little boy when he realized that she was gone for good. I am my son's world. I am the person he runs to when he is hurt. He looks for me the moment he opens his eyes. He will ask for me if I am not where I am suppose to me. His world will come crashing down if one day I am not there for him.

Perhaps it is good that my husband has no memories of those days. But without those memories, he does not see the gravity of her action. He still has a hard time cutting ties with her. Although, he is now beginning to acknowledge some of her wrongdoing against our son and even on occasions, beginning to call out of some of the things that she did not do with him or for him as a mother. Most recently when we were doing a bunch of home improvements kids workshops, he said, "my mother never brought me places to do kids stuff. She brought me to the bar." The filter of wanting a good mother is starting to peel off.  Like me, he might never cut off ties completely with her. I never did with my mother. So, it will be unreasonable for me to insist that he does. He will do what is best for him but I am please that he is beginning to see his mother as a selfish b^*&^.
 

Thinking of Opal. The first puppy I adopted as an adult. I don't know what brought me to think of her tonight. It started with a vivid memories of me and my ex-coworkers visiting the SPCA in search for a puppy for my ex who had just lost his long time companion. All of us were at the time young ladies in heals. We caused quite a stir at the rescue center. The guys were all creating a ruckus wanting us to adopt them. I asked if anyone of them were potty trained and one guy said he was and he knew how to flush. The vet came out and said "now, I have to put that one to sleep" referring the adult male who knew how to flush. It was hilarious. In the midst of it all, there was this little Shepard mix that caught my eye. I picked her and brought her to him as his birthday present, if I recall correctly. He named her Opal, after his birthstone. She was nothing like his previous dog. She was smart. She captured the heart of her greatest critic, his father, who hated dogs. She became his companion. Especially at night. She would lay by him as he sip on his night cap and ate his peanuts. She was loved. I loved her too. I was the one that potty trained her. I picked her!!! and I had to say goodbye to her. We spent our last day walking the empty field next to his parents' home. I looked her in her eyes knowing that will be our last goodbye. She went about her business. Not a care in the world and that evening we parted. I have never seen her again.

I've been checking in with my nieces the last two days. Both girls have very different needs. I have my own perspective on things that is quite different from what they are used to. But the beauty is, I am in a unique position where they do trust me enough to reach out to me. In the past, my views are often undermined by my mother. The girls are aware of grandma's hatred and resentment towards me and will never openly defy her authority. But now that she is no longer here, they no longer have that hurdle to navigate. I do catch myself getting lazy and wanting to be uninvolved. Also, the process is rather frustrating as I want them to get it now. But in reality, these take time. No one knows how long the process will be. And there is also a possibility that they will never get it. But for now, I will try to be a good aunt and be there for them. I have to stand true to myself and not enable them or cripple them anymore than they have been. My hope is to help them navigate through this hurdle and future challenges so that they can end up as winners. I can only take one step at a time. My youngest niece said that she really yearns for the day where she has a family that is filled with laughter.  I can only tell the youngest that the only way out is to stay focus and work hard. To make changes on her own behaviors and do better. Being young, she disputed my advice and feels that she has done her best. She was defensive and I can't help but see my mother in her when she acts that way. My mother is always defensive and you can never tell her how to do anything better. I hope she is different. I hope it is only the age and her immaturity that is getting in the way. The oldest is still clearly distraught by her father's cheating behaviors and her loyalty towards her mother. How I wish she can detach herself from her parents' foolishness and start to focus more on her own future. She is the caregiver and that should not be her responsibility. Unlike the little one, she didn't openly disagree. But she is still not detached. She is still very reactive and not getting anything resolve. This is only the beginning and I have remind myself to be patient. To give them a chance. To always be a soft place for them to land. To always love them. And at the end of the day, I have to accept whatever will be will be.

Received frantic messages from my oldest niece yesterday. Purging all about her father, my golden child brother's latest conquest. He is cheating again. This time with a local woman who attends the same church. Pictures of them were openly paraded on both their social media wall. He takes my youngest niece to all his rendezvous expecting her to play along, while keeping his secret. My oldest niece has had the suspicion for awhile and finally forced the truth out of her sister. In her tears, she felt torn. To tell her mother or not to tell. If she is to tell, when is a good time?

My golden child brother's cheating behavior came to light over 10 years ago. He was laying a prostitute while his wife was pregnant with their 3rd child. The truth came to light when one of my classmate decided to tell on him. My mother, whom for years has always characterized this brother of mine as the most noble, had to face the hard truth that he is a liar and a cheater. That, he is someone that cannot be trusted. Soon after the birth of my youngest niece, my sister in law decided to stay married but she packed up and left to work in a nearby country. Leaving the children with my parents.

As the oldest in the family, my niece was left to fend for herself while shouldering the responsibility to protect her younger siblings. To make matter worse, my mother hated her from the day she chose her sitter over grandma at the tender age of one. My mother did not hold back her wrath against my oldest niece. Making her life a living hell.

My niece made a decision to leave soon after the met a boy a few years ago. Staying over at his place, more often than being home. These days, she only goes by to check in on her sister. Each visit usually ends up with arguments with her father. Each visit, he will insist that she gives him money. He even went as far as insisting that she pays him to take the youngest to school. My niece pays the mortgage and the bills, while he stays jobless and use her money to pay for his woman. Apparently, there were others. The children and my parents have seen love letters sent by other women over the years. Something I had never known.

I called my niece as soon as I got those messages. While navigating my brother's foolishness, her mother came up with the brilliant idea of transferring the name of the current house to my nephew, selling it, borrowing more money from the bank and then my niece is suppose to buy another home for the family.

It came to a point during our conversation, I asked her about her aspiration. These are her parents' mistakes and at some point, I told her that she has to start thinking about herself and her future. As for the cheating, I reminded her that her parents' marriage were long gone. If the other woman wants him, we should wrap him up and deliver him straight to her doorstep. As for the plan of buying another home for the family, if she were to do that, when will she be able to buy her own home and start her own family. I reminded her that these should not be her responsibility. If she wants to help, she has to set limits. Otherwise, she is not doing justice to herself and her future.

Knowing what I know, I don't think anyone has ever told her to consider her own well-being. This niece of mine is my heart. She was the first born and I always remember how excited I was when she finally arrived. I showered her with toys and clothes, and she always know that I love her. I don't always have a chance to talk to her but when I do, I try to steer her towards the direction that will be best for her. When I first found out about the boy, I warned her about the birds and the bees. She listened and I am pleased that she has protected herself thus far. As always, I can only guide her along. It is unfortunate that her parents do not have her best interest at heart.

At this time, I can only say a prayer for her. A prayer of strength. I also pray that God sends angels to protect and guide her. I pray that God will take that burden away from her so that she can finally soar and be whom God has intended for her to be. I want to see her happy. I want to see her fulfilled. I want her to finally have someone who will love her and protect her. It is about time.

A cousin from my husband side got married today. Pictures of her proud father was posted on social network site the last few days. I felt very sad today because those pictures reminded me of what I yearned for all my life and what I never will have. It still amazes me how raw those feelings can be. I can't help but wonder what happened to our wedding album that we gave my parents as a gift. I have not seen it in years and it wouldn't surprise me, that it got thrown away. Knowing that my parents weren't be able to attend our wedding, we hired a videographer to capture the moment. They never did view the video nor did they ever shown any interest. Maybe that's why I am sad. I tried so hard to include my parents in my life and I got shot down time and time again. I can't help but wonder what goes through their mind when I got married? I know they weren't happy for me and they certainly weren't proud of me. I can't help but be a little envious that this cousin of ours to have a father who had waited all his life for this day. To see his little girl all grown up. To see her happy. To see her finally find someone who cares for her. To finally be able to walk her down the aisle. To finally have his dance as a father of the bride. What privilege it is to have such parents.

Just received a text from a childhood friend. She had just delivered a beautiful son on my son's birthday in August, and her parents and sister are there. I have known this family since I was five. We celebrated many Christmases and New Year at her grandmother's house. Those were very fond memories to say the least.They immigrated soon after and I didn't see them for years until I moved there for my first job. It was her parents that housed me for several months until I found my own place. Me and her started to bond and we became like sisters. When she finished college and moved back home, we spent many after work hours together going to movies and dinner. Soon, she settled down and through our ups and downs, we kept in touch. Separately, so did our parents.

When my mother was almost at the end of her life journey, I got a call from her, a directive from her mother for me to give my mother a call. I briefly told her my side of the story and she didn't feel that there was a need for me to tell her more. She felt that she did her part as her mother's daughter and that was that. We have never talked about my parents ever since. It was of no interest to her and our friendship remains pure to this day.

The text I received tonight was that her mother wants to talk to me before she leaves tomorrow. What would she say to me? She would kill me if she showed me with an ounce of kindness. The very fact that she is there by her daughter's side showed me yet again, my mother's abandonment of me is not cultural. The text makes me wonder if she would she try to bring up the past? If she does, it wouldn't be the first time one of my mother's friend came to try to talk some sense into this ungrateful daughter.

At this fragile state of mind, as I'm grieving my own lost, I have my past haunting me. The call from her will be a stark reminder of the past. As I am touched by her interest to touch base with me, I am also uncertain if I can handle any accusation at this time. Therefore I am yet again, an emotional wreck.