My Narcissistic Mother in Law (N-MIL) left my husband when he was five. A past that for years my husband thought nothing of it. His father on the other hand has never hide his hatred towards this woman. For years, she assumed it was because she left him but over the years, the truth is beginning to unravel itself.

She was rude and condescending towards me from the first moment we met. She went out of her way to try to break off our engagement and end the wedding. She made it known to me that I am not worthy. Not worthy of her son? or simply unworthy? The way she treated me was extremely upsetting for both of us. While her action didn't affect my husband's decision to marry me, it certainly crossed my mind to break the engagement and to get on with my life. My husband confided in his father and step mother. They pretty much told him that she was never there for him and what right does she have to interfere with his choice. They also comforted me and made me feel accepted. We went ahead with the wedding. She made claimed that his step mother dominated everything and refused to let her get involved. Since she griped about not having the opportunity to be involved, we assigned her the duty to make the favors. Which she did, The results were pathetic packets of mints. At the wedding, his father made it known to everyone that he couldn't stand her. At the time, it was very hard for me to be around her as well. His father and I quickly bonded as we happily avoided her in every possible way. She came to the wedding and left hurriedly. Giving us nothing more than a hundred bucks.

Over the years, his father and step mother, once in awhile gave me insights about my N-MIL. Secrets that they have withheld from my husband as he was growing up to protect him. Over the years, as my N-MIL makes claim to be the mother of the century, I have said a couple of things to make my husband question her reality. She blatantly would make it seems like she has integrity because she has never cheated. But in the same token, she proudly proclaimed her rendezvous with married men soon after she abandoned my husband. Putting things in perspective, I remember telling my husband to think what it must have been like for his grandparents and father when she slept around town. Forty plus years ago, words travel, and people lived with dignity, value, and pride. They endured her actions without a word of malice in front of my husband.

Yesterday in the midst of our conversation, I told him yet another secret. A secret long overdue that I felt he needed to hear. His father has told me this years before and this visit, he said it again. As we visited, he recalled the day she walked out like it was yesterday. He told her that if she leaves, she will never to return. She packed her bag to go and when he asked her about their son, she blatantly told him that "he is your responsibility." With that, she left him behind. I could see the raw emotion in my father in law's eyes as he talked about it. The sheer hatred towards her for disregarding their five year old. When I told my husband what his mother had said as she walked out on him, I could see the hurt in his eyes. What is more sad is that, it didn't surprise him. He is getting a glimpse of her true self simply by the way she treated our son. For once yesterday he said "then why did Ed said she was a good mother?" as he referred to his step father. I can't answer that question but I also know that for years, he wanted to believe that he has a good mother too.

As secrets are revealed, he is beginning to confront the truth. Now that she is ailing and trying to come back into our lives, I reminded him that it was her that abandoned him first. I reminded him that as she cried about the stolen ten thousand dollars worth of jewelry, she never put in a dime in child support to raise him. She took him here and there, only when it was convenient for her. She came like a stranger, taking him away as he cried in distress. She never did once care for him. For that, I have no sympathy for her. She made her own bed and she can jolly well lay on it.  I am quite alright letting her die alone. She can no longer come into my house and I no longer will be visiting her. When I expressed my intention to cut all ties with my N-MIL, his father and step mother didn't say anything to persuade or dissuade me.  Only thing mentioned was that they knew the truth will one day reveal itself. It must be a long awaiting battle for them. I know within them, they are pleased that we are beginning to see the truth. We laughed as I said that it only took me twelve years to figure things out.

I still leave my husband to make his own choice about this horrible woman whom he called mum. He needs to sort things out for himself. It has to be his choice to remain in contact or otherwise. While he is beginning to be swayed by my conviction, he is also burdened by his loyalty towards her. This is his battle. While I will stand by him in his choice, I will also be me. It has worked for us all these years and why would this phase be any different. 

Took my father and mother in law to the airport. My husband's dad and step mum. They spent a week with us and we had a blast. I was sad to see them go. What a difference compared to his crazy narcissistic mother's three day whirlwind visit with hidden agenda. It was nice that my son get to experience what's it's like to have an extended family. He bonded with them quickly and even told on me to his papa. The funny thing is, even the dog bonded with them. I must thank the heaven above for them. If it wasn't for them, even I wouldn't have known what's it's like to have parents and grandparents. For a brief moment, I get a glimpse of true love. Love that I was deprived of from my very own.

Before my crazy MIL arrived, my husband and I said "we can't tell her no" and now I say "why did we say we can't say no?" We have every right to say "no" and we should have said "no." Amazing how two grown adults who make daily life decisions find it so hard to confront a narcissistic mummy dearest.

My golden child brother has been posting pictures of my parents in their last days on his facebook page. Appears to me that he may be missing them. Rather an irony when he was cruel to them when they were alive. Denying my dad access to the television, which pretty much was his only source of entertainment. Doing absolutely nothing around the house and infuriating my mother. In fact, I feel that he placed the last straw that broke the camel's back when his action led to an argument with my mother, which led to her making the decision to stop taking her medication. Given that they never got along, one would assumed that he would be pleased that they are gone for good.

Since my parents passed away, I stopped all funds to his household. I'm sure he is feeling the pinch. His two older children simply despised him and he can't understand why. His wife is not going home any time soon. Not sure where my youngest niece stand in all of these but she is stuck for a few more years with him until she is old enough to move out. He recently lost his job and I have no idea what the heck he is doing nowadays and I really don't care.

I guess he is beginning to realize that only his mother would defend him. Although her actions serve to fulfill her agenda, it still made him feel "loved" in some twisted way. He is so crippled by his relationships with my parents that he probably will never understand why others don't defend his irresponsibility. He still has the same disregard and sense of entitlement. He blames others for his misfortune. As bright as he is, he can't get this part of him straight, something that is so obvious to others. While he may not be born a Narcissistic, he certainly acts like a narcissistic wannabe. As he navigates the rest of his life journey, I'm sure I'll see more posting of those type pictures of my parents. Maybe he is not missing them at all but rather a futile attempt to recreate attention for himself. Before my parents passed away, he posted their dying pictures and that certainly got a lot of reactions from his facebook "friends." He probably thrived on the attention. He also openly critized me and my second brother for not doing anything for my parents when he was the one who drained all funds. He made it seems that he was the caretaker. The one that stepped up to the plate while his younger siblings simply abandoned his parents. Many of his friends were sympathetic towards his plight and giving comments to console him in those "tough times." Asking him to be strong and patient. In return, he thanked them for their support. All superficial and truth is, I really don't think he has the capacity to be anything but superficial. This time, his posting didn't get much reactions at all. A handful of "like" and one or two comments asking where the pictures were taken. Maybe because others are starting to catch on to his characters or maybe, they too think it's odd and morbid to post such pictures. One will never really know the purpose of posting those pictures. Personally, it just gives me an image of someone that I am suppose to know. I certainly have nothing to add to his posting.

Earlier today I could have sworn that this entry will be all positive. All about my growth and how I have moved forward because lately I noticed that I no longer have the jab of pain like I did before when people talk about their children. I am starting to be able to join in the celebration. Songs that used to bring much pain is starting to hold other meanings. A much more positive ones. It is nice to be at this state.

However, I also just realized that all it takes is a small trigger to take me back to my rage. Dr. Phil always said, it takes one insult to take a person down and a thousand praise to bring the person back. The trigger today was merely a phone call. An untimely call my husband made to his mother. I just can't stand it. I am in complete state of anger. My intellect cannot comprehend my emotional reaction. My intellect tells me that the reaction is far too extreme for such a small misjudgement. But my emotions tells me the opposite. Who is right?

I just can't stand that woman. I have not recovered from the wounds of her visit. I don't want any reminders of her. I just despise her. I hate her too.
 

It's been a few months since I started this blog. I have definitely benefited from having this forum to be completely honest. It gives me a safe place to analyze my feelings, my past, and to try to make sense of it all. I think I've moved forward with my recovery.

To be a continuous part of the online support group, all members have to be involved in active counseling, which I am not. But truth is, I went for counseling soon after my mother passed, mainly to deal with my lack of sadness to say the least. After walking through with me my thought process as well as my state of mind, she asked why I was even there. Having been in a field related to mental health, I am quite in tune with my own recovery in many level. By the time my mother passed and by the time I went for counseling, I  have actually already worked through a lot of my feelings prior and have already been in a state of acceptance of the reality of a mother that never was. I went for a few more sessions. They were helpful. She asked tough questions and by the end of about 2 months, she didn't feel that I needed anymore sessions and I agreed.

The person who runs the online support group feels rather strongly that all person raised by a Narcissistic Mother suffers from complex post traumatic disorder (C-PTSD), which I don't believe that I do.Then I go back to questioning why I don't have the symptoms. Perhaps it is because I was not the scapegoat growing up and I left home and lived far away by the time I was 19, and that kept her access to me to the minimum. Our distance, saved me. She didn't have the resources to chase me down. Perhaps that's why I was spared from the anxiety, fear, nightmares, depression etc.

While I claim that I no longer have the intense level of rage and hatred towards my own mother anymore, my MIL visit a few weeks ago brought upon a lot of rage within me. Then again, it was a different sort of rage. Having this blog I believe made me aware of my own fear as well. My fear to confront my MIL in the past. This time, I feel ready to set boundaries and look fear in the eye. I do say a lot but I usually don't act upon it. This time, I am challenging myself to act upon my believes. So, only time will tell if this rage will come to past. If I will have the courage to put my foot down and prevent toxic from entering my life. Only time will tell.
 

Advice given to me is while referring to my intention to cut my MIL off is "it is not good to be resentful." I personally don't think I'm resentful. I am certainly angry. Very angry. Enough is enough and I no longer feel obligated to tolerate her bullshit. I don't need her. I can do without her in my life. Putting aside the need to protect my son from her, I really am standing up and advocating for myself. I have always been this agreeable daughter in law. I have always put my true feelings aside to please her. To make it easier for my husband. To make it easier for me too. To go along.

Is it really about resentment? Question is - why is it okay for her to treat me with such disregard all these years? I am not being mean to her. I am merely preventing her from being mean to me. What is so wrong with that? Even with this visit, I went out of the way to make her visit comfortable. I made tentative plans. I put my beloved son on an air mattress so that she can have the bed. I ensure that she was comfortable. Last I remember of our visit, she knowingly got rid of the only guest bed in her trailer weeks before we arrived, simply to clear room for a home office, which was a table pushed against the wall. She had no problem putting us all 3 on a 30+ year old sofa bed. She even mockingly asked about the "iron maiden." So, why don't I have the rights to be down right infuriated? She came into my home and has the audacity to mock me, to disrespect me while I stuck to my integrity and took care of her.

I am done with going with the flow. If it means creating turmoil, I am ready for it. Bring it on. She started it. Not me. It is nothing about resentment. It is about making tough choices and sticking with it.